Bernadette: What's George Takei doing here?
Katie Sackhoff: Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?
Howard: Of course not.
George Takei: So you say, yet here I am.

Mrs. Wolowitz: I think it shrunk. I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here.
Howard: And with that mental picture, I think we're done for the evening.

Penny: Oh, Howard, heads up. Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift.
Leonard: When was the last time you saw her?
Howard: Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under the table)

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, have you seen my girdle?!
Howard: No, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
Howard: Maybe it committed suicide!

Leonard: So you want to get back together with her, but you're too ashamed to face her because of whatever it is you did.
Howard: In a nutshell.
Leonard: Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn't know it's you.
Howard: Now, you see, I don't know if you're kidding or not.

Howard: Will you talk to her, see if there's any chance at all we could get back together?
Penny: Oh, gee, Howard, I really don't want to get in the middle of this.
Howard: No. Why would you? I'm just another lonely nerd, living with his mother, trying to find any scrap of happiness he can. You know, maybe to make up for the fact that his dad left him when he was 11.
Penny: Okay, I will think about it.
Howard: You know, I've always blamed myself for him leaving. I always thought it was because I wasn't the son he wanted.
Penny: Yeah, I said I'd think about it.
Howard: I wasn't athletic, yeah, I was kind of sickly.
Penny: Okay, fine. Look, look, I'm calling her now! See?
Howard: Thank you.

Howard: How have you been?
Bernadette: Okay. You know, busy, school, work. You?
Howard: Same. I took a scuba-diving course over the summer, but it turns out I'm terrified of the ocean.
Bernadette: Too bad.
Howard: You wouldn't know anybody who wants to buy a wet suit, boy's large? Yeah, forget it. Not important.

Howard: Okay, fine. I'll admit, there are dark, sordid little corners of the Internet where the name Wolowizard is whispered in hushed tones. But the only reason I go there, the only reason I've ever gone there is because I don't have a real woman in my life. You happy?

Howard: On the potty, what are you five?
Raj: It's a potty, what do you call it?
Howard: A toilet.
Raj: That's a little vulgar for the dinner table, don't you think?
Howard: And potty is okay?
Raj: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.
Howard: What do you do on the potty, wee-wee?
Raj: If I don't have to boom-boom.

Howard: Women, you can't live with them. You can't successfully refute their hypotheses.
Sheldon: Amen to that.

*Howard imitates Raj's drunken Bollywood Breakdance*
Raj: That's very offensive.
Howard: Yeah, we all thought so.

Raj: Penny, dear, why don't you shoot another silver bullet my way?
Penny: Get one yourself.
Raj: Ooh, somebody's been taking bitchy pills.
Penny: God, he's an ass when he drinks.
Howard: Oh, he's an ass when he doesn't. You just don't hear it.

Howard: Hey look, it's Leonard and R2-D-bag!

Howard: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
Raj: That's two, dude. Write your own jokes.

Howard: (To Raj) Really? That's your question? When did he put a ramp in?