Sheldon: Penny for your thoughts.
Raj: What's the matter.
Leonard: No, I'm fine. Penny's fine, the guy she's kissing is really fine and...
Howard: Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?
Leonard: What is wrong with you?
Howard: I'm a romantic.

Howard: I don't know, you guys work in the same lab.
Leonard: So?
Howard: There are pitfalls. Trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I'm ... a bit of a self-taught expert.
Leonard: Look, Howard, if I were to ask Lesley Winkle out it would just be for dinner. I'm not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Howard: Oh, then you're probably okay.

Howard: You think that's impressive, take apart that brain model.
Amy: Oh my God, three of clubs. That was my card! How did you?
Howard: I used to make it appear in my pants, but HR said I had to stop doing that.

Howard: But you know what wasn't a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it's your last night on Earth. You'd think you'd get one porn channel.
Leonard: Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space?
Sheldon: Interesting hypothesis. Let's apply the scientific method, perform an experiment.
Leonard: Okay. Hey, Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?
Howard: Anywhere but the Space Station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meat loaf. But, hey, you dont go there for the food, you go there for the view.
Sheldon: It's fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I've always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?
Howard: Not really.
Sheldon: Oh, well.
Howard: You know, people say the Soyuz capsule was a lemon. But, hey, that baby got me to space and back.

Howard: That reminds me, I was thinking about wearing my NASA jumpsuit as a costume. But then I realized everyone would be, like, where's your costume? Why are you wearing your work clothes, you nut?

Leonard: Hello, boys.
Sheldon: What are you smiling at?
Leonard: Nothing.
Howard: You know where's there's a lot of nothing?
Everyone: Space.

Howard: So, here we are, just a couple of young newlyweds. What to do? What to do to you? Astronaut Wolowitz, reporting for booty. Preparing thrusters. We have liftoff. Are we clear to jettison that nightgown?
Bernadette: Okay, we need to talk.

Howard: What?
Bernadette: Howie, I know you went to space. I'm incredibly proud of you. But you might want to try and not bring it up every minute.
Howard: I don't talk about it every minute.
Bernadette: Tonight at dinner you went on bout it for an hour straight.
Howard: What was I supposed to talk about? We were eating at Johnny Rockets.

Sheldon: Oh, my goodness.
Bernadette: If it's "vasectomy gone wrong" videos, he's seen them all. Including the one of the guy who's sitting on what appears to be a cantaloupe but is not.
Howard: (putting his plate of food own) And I'm done.

Bernadette: It's gonna be okay. A day or two of rest, and you'll be fine.
Howard: You know nothing about Jewish people.

Raj: It says here that I need to check the area for redness and swelling.
Howard: You know what? It hurts so much, go ahead.

Penny: Hi, guys. Wanted to check in and see how you two were doing.
Bernadette: We're okay.
Howard: Yeah, hanging out in bed with my wife, thawing out some frozen peas in my pants-- living the dream.

Bernadette: Now I feel bad.
Howard: Well, she never really liked me. It's kind of nice she hates you now, too.

Sheldon: I think a more amusing violation of Rajs trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
Howard: Hey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy snowcone maker.
Raj: That was all a lie? This year's gifts are already wrapped!

Raj: I just thought we could, you know, hang out and go to a bar.
Leonard: Sure.
Sheldon: Very well.
Howard: Sounds fun.
Raj: And watch cricket. (silence)
Howard: That sound you hear, ironically, crickets.