Howard: Apparently, he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog, which I cannot find anywhere.

(Howard has just told Mary about his upcoming trip to the International Space Station.)
Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. It'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still.

Howard: You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz liquid-waste-disposal system is turning a few heads as well.
Ramona: Again, ew.

Leonard: I can't believe we're going all the way to San Diego to confront this guy.
Howard: Yeah, we're kind of badasses, aren't we?

Penny: (Whispers) Here she comes.
Howard: Smart. Whisper so the deaf chick doesn't hear you!

Howard: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard: Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's bar mitzvah party.

Raj: I was so smooth on that date.
Howard: Dude, I made you smooth. You were an idiot.
Raj: Whatever, dude. She kissed me.
Howard: It might have been on your lips, but it was my kiss.
Raj: Oh, fine. Let's agree she kissed both of us.
Howard: Okay.

Howard: May I say Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair.

Sheldon: (On computer screen) Hello, puny insects, as a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, everyone is awarded one additional strike.
Leonard: Thanks a lot, Howard.
Howard: What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but-
Leonard: Don't tell her.
Sheldon: We're playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Aww!
Howard: What do you mean "Aww?" Like she didn't know we were nerds?

Howard: (Answering phone) You've reached "Friends with Benefits", for a booty call, press 1 now.

Leonard: Leslie, this is Penny, she lives across the hall from Sheldon and me.
Howard: ... And walks in quiet beauty like the night.
Penny: Howard, I asked you not to do that.

Howard: Wait till you see this.
Raj: It's fantastic. Unbelievable!
Leonard: See what?
Howard: (Putting in DVD) It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This isn't a good time.
Howard: (Imitating Stephen Hawking) It's before he became a creepy computer voice.

Howard: 1. I lost my virginity to my cousin, Jeanie. 2. It was my Uncle Murray's funeral, we were all back at my Aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen. 3. To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. Oh, cousin Jeanie.

Howard: (To Bernadette) A Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.