Raj: What happened with Leslie, why did she dump you?
Howard: I don't know. She just said Howard, momma's a rolling stone. And then her call waiting beeped and she was gone.
Sheldon: I don't understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship then why are you having what appears be an emotional response?
Leonard: Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her.
Howard: Of course I had feelings for her, I saw her naked for God's sake!

Leonard: Howard, could I borrow some after shave?
Howard: Black case, top compartment.
Leonard: That is a lot of cologne.
Howard: First row are your musks, second is wood, leathers and botanicals, third is assorted pheromones, tread lightly.

Bernadette: Every time we eat dinner here, your mother refuses to let me help with the dishes.
Howard: Don't take it personally. She likes doing them by herself so she can lick the plates with no one looking.

Bernadette: Howard doesn't make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?
Howard: Absolutely. But when Ma's hips give out, you're up, kid.

Sheldon: I'm not waiting for the university to come around. I'll find another way to raise the money.
Raj: Ooh, if it's one of those booths where we can throw a pie at you, I'm in for, like, 20 bucks.
Howard: 40 bucks if I can throw a DVD player.

Leonard: It's not a matter of opportunity. We're getting to know each other. There's a learning curve.
Howard: What's there to learn? You get naked, do nasty things to each other, then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami. Easy peasy.

Howard: Hey, Bernie. Hey, how do you know if someone has pink eye?
Bernadette: Um, their eye would be red, swollen and probably oozy.
Howard: Okay, thanks. Both kids have pink eye.

Mark Hamill: Anyway, thanks so much. I-I want to give you a reward for finding him.
Howard: (chuckles) Oh, no, I couldn't take your money. It's just an honor to meet you.
Mark Hamill: No. No, please. You don't know what this dog means to me, and I thought he was gone for good. Please? There must be something I can do for you. Anything.
Howard: Oh, you're gonna regret that.

Raj: W-What is he doing here?
Howard: I found his dog and guilted him into officiating the wedding. Don't tell Sheldon. It's a surprise.
Raj: Wait, I-I thought Wil was officiating the wedding.
Howard: Yeah, so did he.
Raj: How did he take the news?
Howard: I'll let you know.

Raj: So, something pretty cool happened. Channel 3 asked me to be on the news tomorrow night to talk about the meteor shower.
Leonard: Oh, that's great.
Penny: Hey-
Bernadette: Congratulations.
Howard: You know, that's how Neil deGrasse Tyson got his start. He went from the Hayden Planetarium to guesting on the local news to ruining everyone's favorite movies on the Internet.

Bernadette: Man, that is one hot weather girl.
Howard: How come if I say that I get in trouble?
Bernadette: You want to say it? You can say it.
Howard: Nice try. You're gonna have to find some other way to not have sex with me tonight. And it's not weather girl, it's weather woman.

Howard: You're not a real married couple until you can pee with the door open and she's okay with it.
Bernadette: I told you, I'm not okay with it.
Howard: She loves it.

Howard: So, what's her deal? Is she into you or does she just hate her parents?

Stuart: We kissed a little at the wedding, and it was great. But we haven't really talked about it since then. So I-I don't know how she feels about me.
Howard: Well, she patted you on the head, so I'm guessing she feels like you're such a good boy!

Bernadette: So, Penny, we were talking to our neighbors, and they're thinking of moving and selling their house.
Penny: Really? Why?
Howard: Something about babies crying and keeping them up all night; it's not important. You guys should totally take a look at it.