Penny: Did he somehow just give me the finger?
Howard: Not just the finger, the moving finger!

Wolowitz: *After he fixed Sheldon's algorithm* Gee, why can't Sheldon get a friend?

Wolowitz: Puppies, how do you stand on puppies?
Bernadette: A puppy once bit my face!
Wolowitz: Of course it did.

Wolowitz: That's more like we're a tall thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians.

Raj: What's with him?
Leonard: Penny is keeping him up at night.
Howard: Me too. But probably in a different way.

Wolowitz: Well no, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.

Howard: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it!
Penny: It's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Oh, fair enough.
Howard: He came with a manual.

Howard: Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where's my daddy, puppet? Where is he?

Howard: I'll bet your Meemaw didn't just have sex to have your mother, I bet she had sex because she liked it.
Sheldon: Stop it!
Raj: Yeah, Meemaw did the nasty.
Sheldon: I said stop it!
Howard: We're getting to him.

Wolowitz: Whaddup science bitches?

Howard: Sheldon knows football? I mean Quidditch, sure, but football?

Wolowitz: The way I see it, I'm halfway to pity sex.

Rajesh: Missy. Do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Rajesh: Yes, well, we Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You're welcome.

Leonard: Howard, relax. I am not interested in your girlfriend.
Howard: I hope not. Because you don't wanna mess with me. *Gets in Leonard's face* I'm crazy.

Howard: So nice you could join me this evening, you're looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff: Thanks Howard, always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.