Wil Wheaton: You come face to face with a massive monster with a gaping maw full of teeth, three huge legs, and flailing tentacles. What do you do?
William Shatner: Fellas, it looks like we're facing a, an otyugh. Here's the plan-
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hold on there, Bill.
William Shatner: Now what, Kareem?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: How do we know it's not a Neo-otyugh?
William Shatner: Same way I know the difference between an owlbear and a bugbear. Does that answer your question?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: No.
Joe Manganiello: Look, there's one way to settle this: we chop it up and look at the pieces.
Kevin Smith: Oh, come on, why do you always got to attack everything? Why can't we just try talking to it?
Joe Manganiello: Big surprise, Podcast here wants to talk.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: What do you think, Leonard?
Leonard: I think this is the greatest day of my entire life.
William Shatner: It's all right, buddy, one day you'll meet a girl.

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Leonard, I have an opening in my D&D game next week, and I was wondering if you were interested in playing.
Leonard: Well, yes, thank you.
Wil Wheaton: Okay, great. Now, here's the thing, you can't tell anyone. I'm serious, not Howard, not Raj, and certainly not Sheldon.
Leonard: Okay.
Wil Wheaton: I'm really sorry to put you in a position where you have to lie to your friends-
Leonard: See you there!

Howard: So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?
Sheldon: [chuckles] Very funny, get it all out.
Leonard: Like you did on William Shatner?

Leonard: Hey, Zack. Um, look, I-I know this is gonna be disappointing, but, um, I-I can't do this. No, no, no, no. I-I, I know how. I just can't. (stammers) But, hey, look, i-if you like, I-I know someone who might be interested.
[cut to Sheldon on the phone in Apartment 4B]
Amy: No! Absolutely not!
Sheldon: I'm sorry, my wife says I'm not allowed.

Wyatt: You did great, Leonard. Very forceful.
Leonard: Yeah? (chuckles) I-I-I felt like my voice was a little shaky there.

Leonard: Well, I-I have to go to the clinic for Zack and Marissa on Monday, and I'm supposed to save myself until then.
Amy: Sounds like maybe Penny's not totally on board with that plan.
Leonard: Well, she said she was. But she also said I looked dope. Honestly, I don't even think I looked fly.

Leonard: Okay, look, they can't have kids of their own, and they like that I'm smart, and they want that for their child.
Wyatt: No, I get it.
Penny: You do?
Wyatt: Sure. Back on the farm, we had a prize stallion. We didn't let that just go to waste; we put him out to stud.
Penny: No, no, this is this is a little different than that-
Leonard: No, no, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Uh, you were comparing me to a prize stud. Go on.

Wyatt: So let me get this straight, Leonard. She doesn't want to have your baby, but her dumbbell ex-boyfriend does.
Leonard: Well, I- No, I wouldn't say it like that.
Wyatt: How would you say it?
Leonard: Uh, same words, just less angry.

Penny: Dad, uh, come on in, sit down. Can I get you something to drink? Maybe a beer?
Wyatt: Sure, if you're having one.
Penny: Okay.
Wyatt: And why wouldn't you, since you're not pregnant?
Penny: Um. Leonard wants to have a baby with my ex-boyfriend Zack.
Leonard: How 'bout those Cornhuskers?

Leonard: Hey, Wyatt.
Wyatt: Leonard. Hey, that's a hell of a handshake.
Leonard: Ah, well, you know, I've been taking vitamins.

Penny: What are those?
Leonard: Oh, vitamins. Zack wants me to take them to increase my virility.
Penny: Zack used the word "virility"?
Leonard: He may have said "wiener power."

Zack: Well, Leonard, we were hoping you'd go in on Monday.
Leonard: Okay.
Marissa: And they say, for the best results, between now and then, you shouldn't have sex.
Zack: Sorry, bro, I know it seems impossible to go for five days without, but I believe in you.
Leonard: Five days? My record is 24 years.
Penny: Uh, I think that also means no flying solo.
Leonard: Oh. Then my record is 14 years.

Penny: Are you okay?
Leonard: (pants) That depends. What-what color are my eyes?
Penny: I don't know, brown? No, green. No, wait, brown.
Leonard: Oh, good, I'm awake.

Penny: You're having a bad dream.
Leonard: Oh, thank God. I was eating my friends. Well, one friend and one acquaintance.
You know what, Bert's okay. Two friends.

Penny: Plus, I'd be working for Bernadette. I don't know if that's a good idea.
Leonard: Look, I-I know she can be difficult, but she's no match for you. Whatever she dishes out, you can give it right back double.
Penny: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Leonard: There you go.