Sheldon: You know we're almost finished with our paper; we just need help tracking down the citations.
Leonard: That's busywork. Can't you just get a grad student to do it?
Amy: No, this paper is incredibly important to us, and we need someone we can trust.
Please, it would mean a lot.
Leonard: You know what? Sure. The three of us in the library looking up old papers, that actually could be kind of fun.
Sheldon: Oh, no, we won't be there.
Leonard: It just got more fun.

Sheldon: I suppose you're wondering why I put you through all this.
Leonard: You mean the last two minutes or the last 20 years?

Amy: Well, I am a little hurt that you weren't gonna tell me my husband was having an affair. I thought we were friends.
Leonard: I didn't really believe him.
Amy: Why not? You don't think other women find him attractive?
Leonard: (laughing) No.

Leonard: Well, I am shocked, Sheldon, because I totally believed that the woman you reported for being stingy with the peas couldn't keep her hands off you.

Penny: What did he want?
Leonard: Oh, nothing. He just concocted some stupid test to see if I can keep a secret.
Penny: Ooh, what's the secret?
Leonard: I'm not gonna tell you that. The test is stupid, but I still want to pass.

Leonard: How you feeling about it?
Raj: Uh, to be honest, I'm pretty anxious. I mean, this is the woman I'm marrying. What if it's no good? Do we break up? Do we sign on for a lifetime of mediocre sex?
Leonard: Just don't put so much pressure on it. It's always a little awkward in the beginning. I remember the first time I slept with Penny.
Raj: It was bad?
Leonard: Oh, it was awesome! I will replay it in my head until the day I die.

Amy: Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months?
Raj: Yeah, well, her family's doing most of the work. They're amazing. We talk all the time.
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Because we're about to get married and they're gonna be my family.
Sheldon: Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.
Penny: Really? My parents love Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah. And my mom loves Penny, which is weird, because I never knew she could love.

Raj: Hey, you guys have any plans for Valentine's Day?
Leonard: Three months from now? No.
Penny: What? No?
Leonard: I mean, secret romantic plans that would be ruined if I told you.
Bernadette: What's going on, Raj?
Raj: Well, how would you guys feel about going to India for my wedding?
Amy: Oh, that's so exciting!
Leonard: Penny, you will never guess what I have planned for Valentine's Day.

Raj: Seriously, Leonard, you didn't pick my project?
Leonard: I'm sorry, Raj.
Howard: Did you go with Crow Lady?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You gave the money to Kripke?
Leonard: I did not.
Raj: Wait, I'm confused. I thought there were only three projects in contention.
Leonard: There were. But, at the last minute, someone submitted an application for a pretty cool europium-doped laser, and they made a very compelling case.
Howard: What was the case?
Leonard: Oh, that it was me and I wanted it.
Raj: You-you can't do that. You can't just fund your own project.
Leonard: Uh, it turns out I can, and I did.

Leonard: There has got to be a right decision based on empirical evidence. Look, I made pros and cons lists, and then I came up with three different scoring systems to determine the best project. I just don't know what scoring system to use. So I'm working on a meta-scoring system to score the scoring systems, but the math is really complicated. You want me to walk you through it?

Leonard: Okay, I just- I need everyone to back off. I'm in charge here, and I'll decide when I'm ready to decide.
Raj: When will that be?
Leonard: A day, a week. I don't know!
Raj: Where are you going?
Leonard: I don't know that either!

Leonard: No, I'm not going to reconsider. Your request was denied. I don't care if it helps you think; you don't need a koi pond in your office. Well, you should have thought about that before you bought the koi!
Penny: Wow. That was a little rough.
Leonard: Well, I have to be. Everyone assumes I'm just gonna give them whatever they want.
Penny: Hmm. But you're not, are you?
Leonard: No, I'm not. I mean, look at this. An espresso machine? I don't think so. Denied!
Penny: Wow, I really like this side of you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah, just so decisive.
Leonard: Well, check this out. A standing desk. Denied!
Penny: Oh!
Leonard: If you want to stand, do it on your own time, 'cause I'm the boss.
Penny: Yeah, you are.

Leonard: President Siebert, you wanted to see me?
President Siebert: Hey. There's my guy!
Leonard: You sound like my wife just before she asked me to go to Coachella.
President Siebert: No, this is gonna be way more fun than Coachella.
Leonard: More fun than heatstroke? Good luck.

Penny: No, it does matter. Okay? You were right. It was Halloween. I was dressed as a cat, you were a hobbit. It was right there on that couch.
Leonard: Why didn't you just say that?
Penny: Because I always hated that was our first kiss. I was drunk, and I was still with Kurt, and I was using you to make myself feel better. I just wanted our first kiss to mean something. That's why I said it was the one on your birthday.
Leonard: I like that. We'll make that our official first kiss.

Leonard: So, what are you wearing to the party? Sexy cat? Sexy nurse? Sexy zombie?
Penny: Why do girls' costumes have to be sexy but guys' costumes don't?
Leonard: (scoffs) Say that again with this helicopter on my head.
Penny: Very cute.