Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear. Ta-da.
Leonard: Next time, you should lead with that.

Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
Leonard: I don't know. It's a fat guy on a Segway. That's funny everywhere.

Penny: What's wrong with cute?
Leonard: It just makes things seem small. It diminishes them.
Penny: So you want me to stop calling your little tushie cute?
Leonard: You can try, but nobody's gonna believe you.

Leonard: Just think. Thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.

Penny: Well, does it bother you, me going out with one of your friends? 'cause you know, you and me.
Leonard: No, no that's the past. I'm really more of a right now kind of guy. You know, living in the moment. Although I do have to live a little in the future, 'case, well, that's my job. Of course, my fondness for classic science fiction does draw my attention backwards, but those stories often take place in the future. In conclusion, no, it doesn't bother me.

Penny: Damn, you've got more makeup than I do. You've got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I'm borrowing this.
Leonard: Hey, hey, hey. This is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.

Leonard: Look, you do understand that Sheldon really doesn't care when he gets the money back. It's actually one of the few idiosyncrasies that doesn't make you want to, you know, kill him.

Penny: Oh, no, I can't give up my acting classes. I'm a professional actress.
Leonard: You've had an acting job where you got paid?
Penny: That is not the definition of professional.
Leonard: Actually, it kind of - let's keep looking.

Penny: Well, remember Kurt?
Leonard: Your ex-boyfriend?
Penny: Yeah. He got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard: I would hope so.

Sheldon: Now, Penny, we don't consume alcohol during Dungeons and Dragons. It impairs our judgment.
Penny: Oh, this isn't alcohol. It's a magic potion that makes me like you.
Leonard: Double potion, please.

Leonard: All right. Shirt coming off. Ta-da! Man nipples.

Leonard: I'm sorry, but facts are facts.
Penny: Right, and if you can't understand it, it's not a fact.
Leonard: No, if it's not a fact, it's not a fact.

Leonard: I got all your favorites. Beer, wings, sliders. We can watch the football game. I even painted my stomach.
Penny: Go Sports?
Leonard: Well, in case you were in the mood for baseball, I didn't want to look ridiculous.

Howard: I'm telling you, something is wrong. I can always feel it when Raj is in trouble.
Bernadette: Geez, how close were you guys before we got married?
Leonard: Don't look under that rock.

Leonard: Why are you crouching there?
Sheldon: This is my spot. Where else am I supposed to crouch?
Leonard: I don't know, Texas?