Howard: I did a stupid thing.
Leonard: Yeah, I guessed that.
Howard: It was the kind of thing that makes it kind of hard to face her now.
Leonard: That covers anything from farting in bed to killing a homeless guy. Oh my God, you ran over a hobo.

Leonard: Sometimes your movements are so lifelike I forget you are not a real boy.

Howard: I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.
Leonard: Yeah, it's like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

Howard: I think I'm gonna take her to miniature golf.
Leonard: Ah, well, I guess for you guys that's like regular golf.
Howard: Short jokes? Really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me.
Leonard: Yeah, and don't you forget it.

Penny: Well, I'd ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays. And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake. And Leonard's lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny: You want the fruit platter?
Leonard: Does it have melon on it?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: No, I can't eat melon.

Howard: Yeah, we had a really great talk, and we're gonna start seeing each other again.
Leonard: Oh, congratulations. Have you broken it to the troll yet?
Howard: Did Penny tell you about that?
Leonard: No. Steve Patterson told me.
Howard: The greasy old fat guy in Facilities Management?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: How’d he know about it?
Leonard: He's Glacinda the troll.

Amy: Is he always like this when he loses?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. You should have been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.
Leonard: You bumped the table and you know it.

Leonard: What ya doin' there? Working on a new plan to catch the Road Runner?

Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your room mate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: That's how I'm going to make it look.

Sheldon: I believe I may have cholera.
Leonard: There's no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer when there was no malaria in Pasadena.

Leonard: The robot hand got stuck on your what?

Raj: When Winnie-the-Pooh got his head stuck in the honey tree, his friends all grabbed onto him and pulled and pulled.
Leonard: You do what you want, I'm not touching another man's honey tree.

Leonard: What do you mean it happened again?!

Leonard: Hey. Excuse me, I'm looking for a Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Asian Guy: Oh, so you're here about the room?
Leonard: Yeah.
Asian Guy: Run away, dude.
Leonard: Wait. What?
Asian Guy: Run fast, run far!

Sheldon: Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
Leonard: Yes, if we lived in a tea kettle.