Leonard: Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter Egg Hunt with no eggs to see how long I'd keep looking? The answer, by the way, June.

Leonard: There's chapters about potty training, bed wetting and masturbation. Basically, if something came out of me, she wrote about it!

Leonard: Leonard: I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I'm in Hell.

Sheldon: No I should apologize. I never realized to what extent our friendship was a burden to you.
Leonard: That is not fair. I complain about what a burden it is at least once a month.
Sheldon: No, no, no. Let's not sugarcoat this. You find me finnicky, pedantic and annoying.
Penny: No, he doesn't.
Leonard: I have actually used those exact words before. In that order.

Sheldon: Well, Leonard, I think it's high time we address the tweepadoc in the room.
Leonard: The what?

Leonard: This is me doing the Titanic pose on the boat. ... Oh, that's me getting rescued when I fell in.

Leonard: I'm going to hit the head. That's what us salty sea dogs say when we have to go pee-pee.

Leonard: Maybe it's a shipping problem.
Howard: What?
Leonard: Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.

Howard: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
Leonard: From her micro-husband.

Penny: Leonard Hofstadler...
Leonard: Yes?
Penny: Will you be my valentine?
Leonard: Sorry. Maybe next year. I'm just kidding! Romance ninja. Let's have sex.

Leonard: I'm cool with surprises, but nothing on the Jumbotron. I don't want to cry on the big screen like that.

Howard: Last time I was here, I was a scrawny little nerd.
Leonard: And now you're also an astronaut.

Sheldon: I believe in a gender blind society like in Star Trek. Where women and men of all races and creeds worked side-by-side as equals.
Leonard: You mean where they were advanced enough to develop an interstellar warp drive, but a black lady still answered the space phone?

Leonard: (To Penny) Way to hit 'em with both barrels.

Leonard: Sheldon's nervous about me leaving. Just keep an eye on him while I'm gone.
Penny: Oh, I don't know. Remember what happened when I took care of your goldfish?
Leonard: Well, flush Sheldon down the toilet and get me a new one.