Sheldon: *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard? *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard? *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Are you sleeping?
Leonard: I was. Now I'm having a nightmare.

Penny: Well, I'd ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays. And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake. And Leonard's lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny: You want the fruit platter?
Leonard: Does it have melon on it?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: No, I can't eat melon.

Howard: Yeah, we had a really great talk, and we're gonna start seeing each other again.
Leonard: Oh, congratulations. Have you broken it to the troll yet?
Howard: Did Penny tell you about that?
Leonard: No. Steve Patterson told me.
Howard: The greasy old fat guy in Facilities Management?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: How’d he know about it?
Leonard: He's Glacinda the troll.

Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear. Ta-da.
Leonard: Next time, you should open with that.

Howard: I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I always thought I'd be a dad someday.
Raj: Oh, me, too. You're so caring. I've often pictured you guiding a young boy into manhood.
Leonard: There you go, Howard. Sounds like Raj'll have your babies, problem solved.

Sheldon: What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
Leonard: Hmm, recently? Not much.
Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair-bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?
Leonard: Um, shut up.

Howard: What's with the T-shirt? You working at the Apple store now?
Leonard: No, it's just something I threw on.
Howard: I know all your shirts. That's not one of them. You were pretending to work at the Genius Bar to pick up women, weren't you?
Leonard: Yeah. Turns out, they guard the iPods, but they don't guard the shirts.
Howard: So, how'd it go?
Leonard: It was going well. I was showing this super hot girl how to boot up in Safe Mode. The manager got suspicious, and, well, long story short, they really do have a little jail in the mall.

Leonard: What are you working on?
Sheldon: I'm removing my digital footprint from the Internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can't find me and compel me to meet her mother.
Leonard: Ah, you're going off the grid.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Leonard: The old Unabomber approach. Kudos.

Leonard: Hey Penny.
Penny: Busy.
Leonard: Yeah, I see that. Shouldn't you be at work?
Penny: I don't work on Mondays.
Leonard: It's Thursday.

Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: Making a boat. When I was a kid, my dad showed me how.
Leonard: Boy, you'll do anything to avoid reading.

Raj: You guys do anything fun after dinner?
Leonard: Well, actually Amy came back over and we hung out. Did you know that we're both spelling bee champs? We stayed up for hours trying to stump each other.
Raj: Who won?
Leonard: Oh, she thought she had me with "appoggiatura" but I shut that down expeditiously. E-X-P-E-D-I-T-I-O-U-S-L-Y. Expeditiously.

Leonard: Okay, I think it's ready.
Amy: Should we put on safety goggles?
Leonard: Well, the funnest fun is the safest fun, so yes.

Leonard: Except now if I eat paste, it's because I want to, not because Craig Schultz is making me.
Amy: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Is it, "Where was the teacher?" She was in the bathroom smoking, that's where.
Amy: It wasn't, but I'm glad to see you've moved on.

Penny: Sheldon, you know that we care about you.
Howard: And it's because we care about you that we've decided we have to speak up.
Penny: You're hurting the people around you, sweetie.
Leonard: So we made you an appointment, and we want you to keep it.
Sheldon: Department of Motor Vehicles new driver handbook? But I don't have a problem.
Leonard: Sheldon, you need to learn how to drive.

Howard: This madness has to stop.
Leonard: Penny's taking you to the DMV, I'm going to bed.
Sheldon: Why Penny?
Leonard: Because rock breaks scissors. Goodnight.