Leonard: Just out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
Stephanie: Are you insane, the guy was wearing an eyepatch.
Leonard: So, then why did you--
Stephanie: He said I could drive a car on Mars!

Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, five is partway between three... Never mind.

Howard: Hello, boys.
Leonard: Ahoy, matey.
Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Sheldon: Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.
Leonard: Or in this case, the bar mitzvah boy with pinkeye.

Stephanie: So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one's a scientist like Howard.

Stephanie: (Breaking away from kissing) I'm sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying?
Leonard: Just said Howard's a terrific guy. He's got a great sense of humor, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much.
Stephanie: I really like that you're such a loyal friend.
Leonard: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture.

Sheldon: Is there some problem?
Leonard: Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while.
Sheldon: All right, goodbye.
Leonard: No, wait. If anyone asks you where I went, you don't know.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I can't tell you that.
Sheldon: Who would ask me?
Leonard: I can't tell you that, either.
Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can't tell me where you're going and you can't tell me who might ask?
Leonard: Yeah, I really didn't think this through.

Sheldon: If someone, and of course, we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
Leonard: I don't know. Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon: Are you going to the office?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard: Just say, Leonard went to the office.
Sheldon: All right. Leonard went to (dramatically) the office.
Leonard: What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office.

Wolowitz (watching America's Next Top Model): Oh, look! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of... what a coincidence... it's the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.

Leonard: Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy's one lab accident away from being a super villain.

Penny: Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but this?
Leonard: It will shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives.

Leonard: Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
Sheldon: It's a waste of time. I might as well explain thermodynamics to a bunch of Labradoodles.
Leonard: If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.

Leonard: That's it, no more Thai food.

Leonard: So if you are considering going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out. But now we know what happens when you accidentally spill peach snapple into a helium-neon laser. The short answer is don't.

Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species, and some day he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moths wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

Sheldon: Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?
Leonard: I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not that.