Penny: Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but this?
Leonard: It will shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives.

Leonard: (Helping Althea with the crossword puzzle) One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov, 26 across is MCM, fourteen down is-- move your finger, phylum, which makes 14 across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince. Haiti.

Leonard: When I made that agreement, I didn't think I'd ever have a hot girlfriend, and I was positive you never would.

Leonard: Then I'll just cut your vines with my Ruby Sword. (Playing card, making gesture to Howard) That's right, I did it, I cut them.

Leonard: When he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan. We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction.
Leonard: No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled-dog team and yell "Mush!"

Penny: (crying) How could he do that?
Leonard: Oh, you did throw an 80-gig iPod-- Yeah, no, how could he do that?

Leonard: Maybe I am her gay friend.

Howard: So you're saying, if in the depths of despair she throws herself at you and demands you take her right there, right now, you'll just walk away?
Leonard: I said I'm her friend, not her gay friend.

Howard: You've already got Penny?
Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Howard: So I can have Penny?
Leonard: Hell, no!

Raj: (Reading Bulletin) We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Why would they be looking for test subjects here?
Leonard: I don't know, Raj, maybe the comic store doesn't have a bulletin board.

Leonard: You're a woman, and I'm going to make you feel things you have never felt before. That's right, say my name, and beg me for more because I'm going to give it to you.

Leonard: Kandor was the Capital city of the planet, Krypton. It was miniaturized by Brainiac before Krypton exploded and then rescued by Superman.
Penny: Oh, nice!
Leonard: It's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.

Sheldon: (Knocking) Leonard? Leonard? Leonard?
Leonard: Let it go, Sheldon. The murderer was the first mate whether it made sense to you or not.

Howard: Unbelievable! Components I built are on the International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching a rocket in the park.
Leonard: I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as for telling the policewoman "You have to frisk me, I have another rocket in my pants"!

Leonard: Sure, if he wants to spend years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat White Russians and you're the one holding her head while she's puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you. And then she gets into Cornell, because you wrote her essay for her and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn't even know you.