Leonard: Sheldon, we've talked about this. You can't go around boring other people's wives.
Penny: Yeah. I already got a man for that.
Leonard: Yeah, you do.

Raj: So, I folded, and I told Howard he could be a part of my planetarium show. And now I'm worried he's just gonna make the whole thing about himself.
Penny: So just tell him you changed your mind and you don't want him to do it.
Raj: No, no, then he's gonna think I'm too insecure to share the spotlight with him.
Leonard: And he'd be right.

Leonard: Hey, Raj, if I had a nickel for every time a charity sent me a nickel.
Raj: ... That's hilarious!
Leonard: I know.

Leonard: So, what are you wearing to the party? Sexy cat? Sexy nurse? Sexy zombie?
Penny: Why do girls' costumes have to be sexy but guys' costumes don't?
Leonard: (scoffs) Say that again with this helicopter on my head.
Penny: Very cute.

Leonard: Okay, I just- I need everyone to back off. I'm in charge here, and I'll decide when I'm ready to decide.
Raj: When will that be?
Leonard: A day, a week. I don't know!
Raj: Where are you going?
Leonard: I don't know that either!

Leonard: There has got to be a right decision based on empirical evidence. Look, I made pros and cons lists, and then I came up with three different scoring systems to determine the best project. I just don't know what scoring system to use. So I'm working on a meta-scoring system to score the scoring systems, but the math is really complicated. You want me to walk you through it?

Raj: Seriously, Leonard, you didn't pick my project?
Leonard: I'm sorry, Raj.
Howard: Did you go with Crow Lady?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You gave the money to Kripke?
Leonard: I did not.
Raj: Wait, I'm confused. I thought there were only three projects in contention.
Leonard: There were. But, at the last minute, someone submitted an application for a pretty cool europium-doped laser, and they made a very compelling case.
Howard: What was the case?
Leonard: Oh, that it was me and I wanted it.
Raj: You-you can't do that. You can't just fund your own project.
Leonard: Uh, it turns out I can, and I did.

Raj: Hey, you guys have any plans for Valentine's Day?
Leonard: Three months from now? No.
Penny: What? No?
Leonard: I mean, secret romantic plans that would be ruined if I told you.
Bernadette: What's going on, Raj?
Raj: Well, how would you guys feel about going to India for my wedding?
Amy: Oh, that's so exciting!
Leonard: Penny, you will never guess what I have planned for Valentine's Day.

Leonard: Thanks for helping with this.
Raj: What are friends for?
Leonard: My friend sent me down to this basement to do his grunt work, so I wouldn't know.

Leonard: Fine, how about we split up but we stay in constant communication with each other?
Raj: Yeah, thank you. Leonard?
Leonard: Still here.
Raj: Okay. Leonard?
Leonard: Still here.
Raj: Okay. Leonard? Leonard?
Leonard: (Leonard gasps) Oh, God! Too much dust.

Penny: What you eating?
Leonard: Chicken fried steak.
Penny: What? You can't have chicken fried steak first thing in the morning.
Leonard: Hey, you knew I was a bad boy when you married me. Come on, you want a piece of this?
Penny: You or the steak?
Leonard: Me. I'm not sharing the steak.

Amy: Okay. I'll read them.
Leonard: If any of them accuse you of being too pretty, Penny can help you through it.

Penny: All right, why don't you pick first?
Denise: Okay, um Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah?
Denise: No, I'm picking you.
Leonard: First? For a team? What is happening?

Leonard: Bang, you're out.
Penny: What?! I'm not out. You didn't even shoot me.
Leonard: I'm not gonna shoot you from right here. It's too close. It's gonna hurt.
Penny: Oh, come on. It's not gonna hurt that bad.
Leonard: I'm telling you, from this distance it's gonna- Ow! See? That hurt.
Penny: All right. Fine, you can shoot me.
Leonard: No, I'm not gonna shoot you. Ow!
Penny: Ow! Ow! Aah, you were right. We're way too close.
Leonard: See, I told you it's gonna hurt- Ow!

Leonard: How was ladies' night?
Penny: It was fun. Amy got drunk and kept telling us that Sheldon's chest is smooth like a porpoise.
Leonard: Well, it does squeak when you touch it.