Penny: (entering) Howard, your scooter's blocking my car. Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard: Step one, she notices the eye patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair? (She pulls his eye patch away from his face, then lets it snap back to his face)
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
Howard: Ow.

Leonard: Yeah, did Sheldon send it to you?
Penny: Amy did. I solved it already.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Same way I solved my jury duty summons, I threw it away.

Bernadette: Boy, I don't know how people who aren't on bed rest keep up with the Kardashians.
Penny: Well, sometimes you have to read in your car while your husband thinks you're working late.

Raj: Hey! [carrying food] I brought Chinese.
Penny: [pointing to Raj] And I brought Indian.

Howard: You okay?
Bernadette: Uh, I think that was a contraction.
Howard: Is it time? Do we need to go to the hospital?
Bernadette: No. We've been through this before. My water hasn't even broken yet.
Sheldon: Never mind your water. Has your mucus plug popped out?
Bernadette: Ew, no!
Sheldon: Oh, you're right. We probably would've heard that.
Penny: It's not a champagne cork. Although that would be festive.

Penny: What is this picture?
Amy: Oh, it's an MRI of our brains photoshopped to look like they're kissing.
Sheldon: Is it too sexy?
Penny: It's too something.

Penny: Alright, look, a tie on the doorknob usually means someone doesn't want to be disturbed because they’re, you know, getting busy.
Sheldon: So you're saying Leonard has a girl in there.
Penny: Well, either that or he's lost his tie rack and gotten really into Bryan Adams.

Amy: If we don't do anything, how long do you think they'll talk about Batman?
Penny: Well, I've know them for 11 years, so 11 years.

Howard: Do you think you could get Bill Gates to sign something for me?
Penny: Yeah, maybe, like what?
Howard: Oh, my arm, my chest, his call.
Penny: His call will be to the police.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, I think you're forgetting that the sandwich was invented by John Montagu, the Earl of Sandwich.
Penny: Oh. The truck's called "Pearl of Sandwich." Now I get it.

Howard: That's great, everyone's got weekend plans. Amy has her bachelorette party, and Sheldon's gonna go to the woods and get hunted for sport.
Penny: Yeah, as someone who has to track him every time he gets lost in IKEA, I feel like I'd be really good at that.

Bernadette: Hey, we can make bad decisions.
Penny: Yeah. She had two kids back-to-back and I thought you'd like this, so we're off to a good start.

Penny: Look, I'm serious. The other day at work, I had this great idea, but no one was listening to me. And then five minutes later, Paul said the same thing, and they practically carried him around the room.
Leonard: Oh, well, what was it?
Penny: Well, CPK for lunch, but that's just one example.

Penny: Hey. Step away from the bride.
Howard: (chuckles) Okay. I'll go back upstairs.
Bernadette: Get in the shower and then take those clothes and burn them.
Penny: Yeah, and all the rest of your clothes! Ah, worth a shot.

Amy: You infected me a week before my wedding. What am I supposed to do about this?
Bernadette: Wear a veil?
Penny: (laughs) ... It's not funny.