Penny: She's not one of those phonies, okay. She wrote a book and has her own Web site.
Leonard: Oh, gee, why didn't you say so? They don't let just anyone have a Web site.
Penny: Why are you being such a jerk?
Leonard: You're surprised? Your psychic didn't tell you I was going to be a jerk?
Penny: Ha-ha, bite me.

Penny: Thank you for educating me.
Leonard: You're welcome. How's your fish?
Penny: Amazing. Would you like to try some?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Penny: Well, the fact is, you can't.

Leonard: No, I'm sorry. I really am. It's not right to mock what a person believes in.
Penny: Thank you. Would you be willing to go to my psychic and see what it's all about?
Leonard: Would you be willing to read a book that concisely explains how all psychics are frauds?
Penny: I would not.

Penny: Wow, I can drink a beer underwater!

Sheldon: No, that's the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I'm going to re-watch it before season three starts.
Leonard: There is no season three. They canceled that show.
Sheldon: Well, they can't cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger.
Leonard: They did.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them?
Sheldon: Dumplings? Don't you understand what's going on here?
Penny: As a rule, no.

Leonard: I think you'll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.
Penny: Oh. Well, that's like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.

Penny: Okay, help me out here. Why does he love this show so much?
Bernadette: Well, there was action, it was funny. I mean, you do get that usually the monster chases the pretty girl, but this time the pretty girl chases the monsters?
Penny: Yippee, it's backwards. I get it.

Penny: I wish I had some of that fire in my life. I mean, I want to care about things and get excited like you guys.
Bernadette: Well, there's no reason you cant.
Penny: You think?
Bernadette: Absolutely. All we need to do is spend a little time and find something you're passionate about.
Penny: Ugh, that sounds like a lot of work.

Penny: See, that's the kind of passion I didn't think I had. But then I realized I'm passionate about you.
Leonard: Oh, my cute little tushy strikes again.
Penny: No, I'm serious. Look, I've always had these plans. I was gonna be in movies and live this glamorous life, and anything less than that just wasn't worth getting excited about.
Leonard: Those things can still happen.
Penny: Oh, obviously it's gonna happen. Yeah, a psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway, what I meant was, I shouldn't wait, you know? I've got you, I've got Sheldon, all these wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard: That's a big deal.
Penny: It is, isn't it?
Leonard: So, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-Con?
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke.

Bernadette: Why would you be embarrassed to tell us?
Penny: No, I'm not embarrassed. I just didn't want anyone to know because I haven't told Leonard yet.
Amy: Why wouldn't you tell Leonard?
Penny: Because it's me going back to school, and he's gonna be all "You can do it!" and "How can I help?" and "I'm so proud of you". Ugh!

Penny: Hey, do me a favor and take table seven.
Bernadette: You mean the one with my one hundred and eighteen-pound rock-hard stud of a fianc who's prone to canker sores and pinkeye?
Penny: Nah, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful and sophisticated girlfriend, who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.

Sheldon: So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?
Penny: My mirth. Classic.
Sheldon: Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?
Penny: It's not a big deal, Sheldon. It's just, ever since Leonard's been dating Raj's sister, I've had to keep my distance. I don't get to hear all your jibber-jabber.

Howard: So I knocked down the bathroom door, picked up my poor unconscious mother, carried her to the car, and drove like a madman to the emergency room.
Bernadette: You're a real hero, Howard.
Howard: No, I did what any son would do.
Penny: Hang on a second, you picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off babies.
Penny: Yeah, I'm saying, it'd be easier to lift a car.

Leonard: So, how is she?
Howard: They're running tests. I don't know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: A heart-attack-like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
Penny: Thanks for clearing that up.

Bernadette: So it's probably genetic.
Howard: Well, maybe. Mom also had just gotten some news that might have upset her.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: It's not important.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard: You'd think that. But no.
Bernadette: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard: You can't take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?