Raj: Lucy?
Lucy: Hey, long time no see.
Raj: You don't know me very well, but each time you crawl out a bathroom window to escape my company, it chips away at my masculinity.

Raj: Uncle Howard, Cinnamon's here for her sleepover party.
Howard: You know if you had a stroke, she'd eat you, right?
Raj: And it would be my pleasure to be her num-num.

Raj: It's very simple. For breakfast, she has an egg-white frittata. Feel free to give her a choice of home fries or an English muffin, but not both. We're watching our weight. Uh, for dinner, something simple, a veal chop, some scampi, whatever you like.
Howard: Classy dog.
Raj: Yes. Also, don't forget to close the toilet or she'll drink out of it.

Howard: (Skype tone) It's Raj. Stay quiet. Hey, bad timing. Bernadette just took Cinnamon out for a walk.
Raj: Hmm. Interesting. Did they take a walk down Liars' Lane?
Howard: What?
Raj: A lane frequented by liars. Like you, you big liar.

Raj: I do have a pretty balls-to-the-wall moisturizing regimen.

Raj: No wrapper's gonna tell me what to do, unless it's Jay-Z.

Raj: I was Googling that girl I've been dating, and I found her blog.
Howard: Cool. Anything juicy?
Raj: She said she recently went on a date with a guy named Roger? And he's Indian? And he's an astrophysicist, too?
Howard: You know what's going on, don't you?
Raj: Mummy was right. American girls are sexually voracious devils.

Howard: People change names on blogs to protect their privacy. Roger is Raj.
Raj: Oh, I always thought if I had a white name it would be Gavin.

Howard: Listen to me, if she's writing about your relationship, use it to your advantage. Rig the game.
Raj: Well, that doesn't seem fair.
Howard: Is it fair that girls like confident, normal guys more than nervous weirdos?
Raj: No, it's not. I've always thought that was unfair.

Howard: So take what's in that blog and use it to get her pants off.
Raj: Why do you have to make everything so filthy? Why couldn't you just say the blog is like her giving me the key to her heart?
Howard: The key to her heart. That's nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
Raj: I was quoting a man who knows a thing or two about women, Sir Elton John.

Raj: Uh, Lucy's coming over. I need some advice.
Howard: However long you think the foreplay should be, triple it.
Raj: Just tell me which one you think is more manly. This hockey jersey or this football jersey.
Howard: I don't know. Go with hockey.
Raj: Good, black is more slimming. Oh, that's her. I got to go be butch. Toodles.

Raj: Born in New Delhi, the third son of an itinerant gynaecologist, I showed early signs of genius. At age five, I discovered a celestial object which later turned out to be the moon.

Raj: I have a thick accent. You don't know what I said.

Sheldon: That was ambiguous.
Raj: Well, now it's biguous.

Raj: These spring rolls are amazing. Good job, Bernadette.
Bernadette: That's the takeout that Sheldon brought.
Raj: Oh, well, I'm sure they wouldn't have tasted nearly as good if I hadn't tried your food first.