Raj: You here looking for money?
Josh: No.
Raj: A kidney, cornea, piece of his liver?
Josh: No.
Raj: You're in a Beatles cover band and you need Howard to replace your dad as Ringo.

Raj: Enough chit chat. How do we know you are who you say you are?
Josh Why would I lie?
Raj: Okay, you got me there.

Raj: So, Bernadette, have you thought about how you're going to redecorate this place?
Bernadette: You know, I'm thinking ripping up the carpets, maybe lose the wallpaper, all new light fixtures.
Raj: You know, if you knocked out this wall, it would give you an open floor plan, and then-- it's a little scary, but could be fun-- indoor fire pit.

Raj: So, how's it going with the title to the house?
Howard: Great, it's all done. The lawyer tracked down my father and got him to sign it over. I didn't have to meet him, I didn't have to talk to him, I don't even know where he is.
Raj: Wow, so you're not curious at all?
Howard: Nope.
Raj: What if he's in prison? What if he's a spy? What if he's in a Beatles cover band? I'm just saying, if he's got your nose and haircut, he'd make a killer Ringo.

Raj: Hey, I got you a little gift.
Bernadette: Oh, that's a lot of Girl Scout Cookies.
Raj: You know me. I'm from India. I can't resist children begging.

Howard: You know, I thought our friendship meant more to you.
Raj: So did I.

Bernadette: Come on, get in her head. Be intimidating.
Raj: Okay. I'm gonna own you bitch!
Penny: Whoa!
Bernadette: Hey!
Raj: Let's just play.

Howard: All Ma's food is going to be ruined.
Bernadette: Why don't we take it home and put it on our freezer?
Raj: You don't want to do that. Refreezing not only removes moisture, but it creates ice crystals in the fibres of the meat that can compromise its taste and texture. What? I saw a teachable moment. I dropped some culinary science.

Raj: The lead of the Hunger Games is a woman. Marvel has made Tor a female.
Penny: Who's Tor?
Raj: You know, Tor, the god of tunder.

Raj: Okay. So we've got three briskets, four meatloafs, one lasagne.
Howard: No, that's noodle kugel.
Raj: One Jewish lasagne.

Bernadette: Shall we tell everyone not to come?
Howard: No, I wanna do this.
Bernadette: Okay. I'll keep it together if you can.
Raj: I'm not making any promises.

Howard: Okay, how about this? Let's invite everyone over to dinner. It'll be like Ma's feeding us one last time.
Bernadette: I love that.
Raj: Me too. Oh look, we've got enough ketchup to cover every ounce of it.

Raj: I know what it's like having to go through a loved one's possesions. My uncle was a worshipper of Krishna. But after he died, you know what we found? A statue of Shiva.
It might not be Crips & Bloods, but in India it's a thing.

Raj: Thank you for forgiving me.
Emily: It's okay. At some point we were bound to have our first fight.
Raj: Well, it almost happened when you called my Apple Pie crust doughy. But the truth is, you were right and I was just angry at myself.

Raj: So, where's your roommate tonight?
Emily: Well, I thought it was a little unfair that she's always here and you never get a chance to stay over, so I killed her.
Raj: Remember our agreement. You can joke about killing people, but you have to say "just kidding".