Bernadette: Really? She asked you to move in with her?
Stuart: Yeah, she was hinting around about it, but I think I handled it pretty well.
Raj: "Pretty well"? You ran out of there so fast, if it was a cartoon, there would have been a Stuart-shaped hole in the wall.

Anu: Someone texting you?
Raj: Uh, no. It's just my, uh, doorbell camera.
Anu: Oh. I got one of those for my place, but I never installed it.
Raj: Oh, it's easy. I can do it for you. You're gonna love it. It's how I found out a raccoon was stealing my cheese-of-the-month club.
Anu: What did you do?
Raj: Nothing. I didn't want to piss it off. It was, like, huge from eating all the cheese.

Anu: So I told my mom she just needed to back off. This is our wedding, and if anyone's gonna design the floral arrangements, it's going to be my man.
Raj: Thank you. I mean, I'm not trying to be a groomzilla, but this is my specialty.

Leonard: Hey, Penny and I were thinking of getting a big paintball game together.
Howard: Oh, Leonard, why does she want to shoot you?
Leonard: She doesn't want to shoot me.
Raj: Who doesn't want to shoot you?
Leonard: Penny.
Raj: No, that doesn't sound right.

Bernadette: All right. Don't be afraid to be brutally honest. Like my mom used to say when I was doing pageants, "Tears only make your eyes sparkle brighter."
Raj: That is both sad and true. Half my Instagram is after a good cry.

Bernadette: Howard and I have been working really hard on his audition, so it'll be helpful to get another set of eyes on it.
Raj: Well, as someone who has watched every episode of America's Got Talent, I'm getting pretty good at telling when some American's got talent. Seriously, Heidi and I agree, like, 90% of the time.

Raj: You got yourself a good one there, buddy.

Howard: Oh, gosh, my Russian's a little rusty.
Raj: If it helps, this word may be "moose."

Leonard: Why did you pull this Russian paper?
Raj: Oh, it was cited in this paper over here, so I thought we should check it out.
Leonard: Mm, it's not translated. Maybe we should talk to Howard; his Russian's pretty good.
Raj: We don't need Howard. I've got Google Translate. Okay, here we go, from Russian to English. "Examinations of moose chowder in lemon parachutes." Yeah, okay, now I know why this app is free.

Raj: Okay, this citation is correct. How you doing?
Leonard: Pretty good. I'm just looking through "The Effect of High Energy Muons on Proton Pion Scattering at the National Accelerator-" (inhales) "-Laboratory."
Raj: Hey, should we take a break?
Leonard: No, this actually makes it more exciting. We have to get through all of this before I run out of this.
Raj: It's like the movie Speed, but instead of a bus, it's your lungs. And instead of Sandra Bullock, it has sadness.

Raj: Hey, probably shouldn't say anything, but did you hear about Sheldon and the lunch lady?
Leonard: Yeah, uh, that's not true. That's just something Sheldon made up to test us.
Raj: I wish I'd known that before I called her a floozy in front of the whole lunch line.

Leonard: This is a list of the papers we need to pull. Why don't we split up? You take half, I take half.
Raj: I don't know, it's pretty creepy down here. Maybe we should stay together.
Leonard: Come on, Raj, it's just a library.
Raj: You could say that about anything. It's just a cemetery. It's just a haunted house.
It's just a portal to hell.

Bernadette: What you playing?
Howard: Fortnite. A bunch of people parachute onto an island and fight it out to be the last man standing.
Bernadette: Like Hunger Games?
Raj: More like Bachelor in Paradise, but not as cutthroat.

Anu: Last night was wonderful.
Raj: But all we did was talk.
Anu: Yeah. And it was wonderful. Am I safe to assume you talking to me now is a good sign for our marriage?
Raj: Yeah, and for my liver.

Raj: Okay, you wanted the truth, here it is.
Anu: You have a drinking problem.
Raj: No. I, uh, I have a talking problem, and a drinking solution.