Raj: I was going to spend the night with my special little lady, but she got worms and I had to take her to the vet.

Raj: My heart is stone. From now on, I'm a monk. I renounce all worldly pleasures. Except for lobster. And garlic butter.

Raj: I guess you could say Raj is my name and stars are my game.

Raj: I was Googling that girl I've been dating, and I found her blog.
Howard: Cool. Anything juicy?
Raj: She said she recently went on a date with a guy named Roger? And he's Indian? And he's an astrophysicist, too?
Howard: You know what's going on, don't you?
Raj: Mummy was right. American girls are sexually voracious devils.

Howard: People change names on blogs to protect their privacy. Roger is Raj.
Raj: Oh, I always thought if I had a white name it would be Gavin.

Raj: No wrapper's gonna tell me what to do, unless it's Jay-Z.

Raj: I like you a lot, and that's scary for me. Mostly because you're a proven flight risk.

Raj: If you wear something brown and sit on the couch, they won't even know you're there.

Raj: I can't talk to the FBI.
Howard: Why? They're just going to ask background questions about me.
Raj: I'm brown and I talk funny.

Raj: Oh man, first monster I see I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand and shoot my magic all over his ass!
Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

Raj: I'm unlovable.
Penny: It's just the booze talking.
Raj: I haven't had a drink since last night.
Penny: You're talking to me!
Raj: I am! Now I'm crying for a whole different reason.
Penny: Me too.

Howard: What, I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
Raj: Id like to weigh in here: No.

Raj: I'm telling you, dude. The only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.

Raj: Later, losers!

Raj: Doesn't anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.
Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.