Bernadette: She has slept over every night this week.
Raj: Uh, no, no, she wasn't here Wednesday night.
Howard: Yes, she was. You didn't notice because you were in the hot tub in the backyard eating Oreos.
Raj: That reminds me. [gets up, goes to the shopping list and writes:] Oreos.

Raj: What does that mean for us?
Anu: Well, how committed are you to staying in California?
Raj: This is where my work is, this is where my friends are.
Anu: But are you happy?
Raj: Not for years. What's your point?

Raj: Come on. Do something for yourself.
Amy: Well, I suppose I could get a haircut.
Raj: And some makeup and a new wardrobe and a little thank you gift for your shopping buddy if we see something he likes. Come on.
Amy: Where are we going?
Raj: Beverly Hills, where the things he likes are.

Raj: I found her boarding pass in her purse. It's totally her.

Raj: You just have to wait for science to catch up or technology to get cheaper. Think about, uh, DVD players. They used to cost, like, a thousand dollars, but just the other day I used one to smash a bug.

Leonard: Look at that. To my friend, Leonard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!
Howard: Awesome. Mine says, "To my friend, Howard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!"
Raj: Mine says, "To Raj, from Stan Lee."
Howard: That's 'cause you pissed him off about his character names.
Raj: Hey, I didn't even mention Dum Dum Dugan, or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor von Doom. Oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model.

Raj: This morning, I fired my dog walker.
Howard: Oh. How's the dog gonna go to the bathroom?
Raj: Uh, I gave her an Imodium. That's tomorrow's problem.

Ruchi: I'm sorry, we're being rude talking about India.
Raj: Oh, yeah, you know, if you and Bernadette want to talk about America, that's cool with us. Here, let me get you started. (In an American accent) Hamburgers, am I right?

Bernadette: I really appreciate the thought, but it's not necessary. I'll be back soon.
Ruchi: Don't worry about work. You take all the time you need.
Raj: Yeah, just turn off your brain and let your uterus do its magic. It's the star of the show now.

Raj: So it turns out Ruchi is totally trying to take over Bernadette's projects.
Penny: Wow, she just told you that out of the blue?
Raj: Yeah, yeah, we had just made love. It was so beautiful. Our caramel-colored bodies were entwined like erotic taffy-
Penny: Get to the point!

Raj: Uh, sorry, uh, yeah. I asked her about work, and she just admitted she has her eyes on Bernadette's projects.
Penny: Can't believe she would take advantage of a pregnant lady like that. So what did you do?
Raj: What do you think I did? I made small talk for 20 minutes and had sex again.

Penny: You have to say something to Bernie.
Raj: I don't know. If I do that, she's gonna confront Ruchi, and then Ruchi's gonna stop sleeping with me.
Penny: Raj, you can't go on sleeping with a woman who's trying to screw over your friend.
Raj: Can't or must?

Ruchi: Can I ask you a question? Mm? Does a drug still count as an antidepressant if its number one side effect is uncontrollable weeping?
Raj: I don't know. I always feel better after a good cry.

Raj: This is awkward. I was actually gonna return this.
Stuart: What's wrong with it?
Raj: I-I finished it.

Leonard: Well, I have to finish writing it before they can make it into a movie, and I still have a few things to figure out.
Howard: You should talk to Bernadette. Since she's been on bed rest, she's binged, like, every detective show in the world.
Raj: Oh, there was a funny detective show in India called Karamchand. He had an assistant named Kitty, and he was always saying, "Shut up, Kitty!" Sounds less mean if you say it in Hindi and don't think of women as having feelings.