Raj: I found her boarding pass in her purse. It's totally her.

Leonard: You think Penny's right? Were we bullying Zack?
Howard: No, I know bullying. He left here unswirlied and his ass crack was underpants-free.
Raj: And nobody drew a penis on his forehead.
Leonard: That happened to you?
Raj: First day of cricket camp. They drew it so the testicles were my eyes.

Raj: Wow, I admire you, Howard. It would be hard for me to buck traditional gender roles like that.
Howard: Didn't you see Taylor Swift twice this month?
Raj: Yeah, because she's hot, not because she sings my truth.

Mrs. Koothrappali: Well, however much money your father was giving you, I'll give you more.
Raj: Thank you, Mummy! I love you! *to Sheldon and Howard* Helicopters for everybody!

Raj: You just have to wait for science to catch up or technology to get cheaper. Think about, uh, DVD players. They used to cost, like, a thousand dollars, but just the other day I used one to smash a bug.

Leonard: Look at that. To my friend, Leonard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!
Howard: Awesome. Mine says, "To my friend, Howard, from Stan Lee, Excelsior!"
Raj: Mine says, "To Raj, from Stan Lee."
Howard: That's 'cause you pissed him off about his character names.
Raj: Hey, I didn't even mention Dum Dum Dugan, or Green Goblin, Matt Murdock, Pepper Potts, Victor von Doom. Oh, and worst of all, Millie the Model.

Raj: This morning, I fired my dog walker.
Howard: Oh. How's the dog gonna go to the bathroom?
Raj: Uh, I gave her an Imodium. That's tomorrow's problem.

Ruchi: I'm sorry, we're being rude talking about India.
Raj: Oh, yeah, you know, if you and Bernadette want to talk about America, that's cool with us. Here, let me get you started. (In an American accent) Hamburgers, am I right?

Bernadette: I really appreciate the thought, but it's not necessary. I'll be back soon.
Ruchi: Don't worry about work. You take all the time you need.
Raj: Yeah, just turn off your brain and let your uterus do its magic. It's the star of the show now.

Raj: So it turns out Ruchi is totally trying to take over Bernadette's projects.
Penny: Wow, she just told you that out of the blue?
Raj: Yeah, yeah, we had just made love. It was so beautiful. Our caramel-colored bodies were entwined like erotic taffy-
Penny: Get to the point!

Raj: Uh, sorry, uh, yeah. I asked her about work, and she just admitted she has her eyes on Bernadette's projects.
Penny: Can't believe she would take advantage of a pregnant lady like that. So what did you do?
Raj: What do you think I did? I made small talk for 20 minutes and had sex again.

Penny: You have to say something to Bernie.
Raj: I don't know. If I do that, she's gonna confront Ruchi, and then Ruchi's gonna stop sleeping with me.
Penny: Raj, you can't go on sleeping with a woman who's trying to screw over your friend.
Raj: Can't or must?

Ruchi: Can I ask you a question? Mm? Does a drug still count as an antidepressant if its number one side effect is uncontrollable weeping?
Raj: I don't know. I always feel better after a good cry.

Raj: This is awkward. I was actually gonna return this.
Stuart: What's wrong with it?
Raj: I-I finished it.

Leonard: Well, I have to finish writing it before they can make it into a movie, and I still have a few things to figure out.
Howard: You should talk to Bernadette. Since she's been on bed rest, she's binged, like, every detective show in the world.
Raj: Oh, there was a funny detective show in India called Karamchand. He had an assistant named Kitty, and he was always saying, "Shut up, Kitty!" Sounds less mean if you say it in Hindi and don't think of women as having feelings.