Leonard: It's going to be difficult to find something you are both equally good at.
Raj: Is there anything you are both equally bad at?
Sheldon and Kripke: Sports.

Kripke: Well, as long as we're here, I might as well take a leak.
Sheldon: Kripke, you're in my spot.

Sheldon: If you're interested I can send you a link to a YouTube video that would show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Helpful hint: trim your nails first.

Sheldon: (Yelling at a mockingbird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A! You pick one or I'm chopping down that tree!

Barry Kripke: Ignore him, President Siebert. I'm sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectly healthy prostate.
Sheldon: Oh, he's just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.

Leonard: What's he doing here?
Sheldon: We're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea.

Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship...
Barry Kripke: Were not friends.
Sheldon: Well, that's a little hard to hear, but all right.

Raj: How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock?
Barry Kripke: What the frig is that?
Sheldon: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.

Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I see why victors love them.

Howard: Why don't you just turn up the thermostat?
Sheldon: Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn't in my new office. No. It's next door in Professor Davenport's office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause.

Leonard: Why is there a hole here?
Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.

Raj: Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That's nice.
Sheldon: Is it? Listen.
Raj: What, you don't like wind chimes?
Sheldon: No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is.
Howard: The bird?
Sheldon: Yeah, It's completely out of tune with the wind chimes.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: You don't get it, do you? That's a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he's out of tune on purpose. He's mocking me.

Sheldon: The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they're running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!

Leonard: Sheldon, relax.
Sheldon: How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes, and birds, and wind, and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman.
Leonard: If you're not happy, why don't you just let Kripke have the office?
Sheldon: What, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you?

Sheldon: We're trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys!