Penny: You actually put that in an agreement?
Leonard: Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie.
Sheldon: He can't kill me, even if I turn.

Leonard: Would I be completely out of line to ask for you to shoot him?
Police Officer: I'd be happy to put him under a 72-hour psychiatric hold.
Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.

Sheldon: In the meantime, please forward my mail.
Leonard: Any place specific or just the Bozeman, Montana Loony Bin?
Sheldon: I sense you're making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called The Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.

Sheldon: I'm going to be a Bozite.
Leonard: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon: They should. It's one of the first thing I plan to bring up upon arrival.

Sheldon: Congratulations? The Newcomb Medal? Oh, please. That's the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.

Jimmy Speckerman: Aw, come on, you can figure it out. You're like the smartest guy I've ever know.

Sheldon: The smartest? All right, you know, I may not have the firmest grip on sarcasm, but even I know that was a doozey.

Raj: Did you guys see the new budget memo that went out this morning?
Leonard: Yeah, more cutbacks.
Sheldon: Unacceptable. It baffles me why they don't simply let some of you go so that there's money available for my research.

Leonard: You know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Based on your academic record, any number of things, I would imagine.

Leonard: Why don't you just eat in your desk chair?
Sheldon: Why don't I just eat in my desk chair?
Penny: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my desk chair, that's where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.

Sheldon: What's wrong?
Penny: I just think it might look more natural if you talked to me instead of the camera. You know, like a real conversation. It's something we work on in my acting class.
Sheldon: Interesting. A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that's not the compliment it sounds like.

Penny: Let's try it again, and maybe this time, you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you're all hunched like that, you're shutting the audience out, but when you're relaxed and open, you're inviting them in.
Sheldon: Right. And which one do I want?

Howard: He's just decided he's never leaving his apartment again.
Sheldon: Oh, brilliant. I've been itching to pull that trigger.

Howard: He's upset because he can't get anywhere with women.
Sheldon: Would it help if I gave him some pointers?
I'm just funnin' ya.

Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard: When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right?
Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.

Leonard: Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
Sheldon: Well, she doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame here? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet.