Leonard: You really think he's gonna send us to a bowling alley?
Sheldon: Well, if he does, do you know how filthy those rental balls are? They might as well stand on the corner and give away free rectal exams.

Howard: Yes, to be fair, do people who went to Princeton get a head start?
Leonard: It's not funny.
Sheldon: No. Oh, it actually is if you get the joke. It's based on the premise that Princeton isn't a very good school.
Leonard: Ha-ha.
Sheldon: Oh, see, now he gets it.

Sheldon: It's dirty laundry. You're up.
Penny: What? Why me?
Sheldon: Because you've been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.

Sheldon: What were the symptoms?
Amy: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.
Sheldon: Localized to what region?
Amy: Ears and genitalia.
Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up.

Sheldon: How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels?
Amy: Sheldon, I am not going through menopause.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.

Leonard: Howard did go to the International Space Station.
Sheldon: Yeah, that was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?

Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
Howard: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
Sheldon: You don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.

Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Which I found totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.

Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here's my concern, his diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What tests do you have to detect lipid residue?
Store owner: Lipid what?
Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure, if they gave it to me, it wouldn't diminish my output. You know, I'm like the sun. Can't turn this off.

Sheldon: I don't know what you're doing, but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj's mother for a dollar.

Sheldon: That was not fifteenth century soap. My God, these people need to learn you can't just put "ye olde" in front of anything and expect to get away with it.

Sheldon: Friday's always vintage game night. Look, my mom included the memory card. We can pick up where I left off in 1999 when I had pernicious anaemia.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, this is the Coast Starlight, one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes. On this side, you'll see panoramic ocean vistas inaccessible to any other form of transportation, while on your side, you'll be treated to 350 miles of Costcos, Jiffy Lubes, and cinderblock homes with above-ground pools.

Penny: This is kind of creepy.
Sheldon: We're not supposed to talk during this part.
Penny: Sorry.
Sheldon: This is kind of creepy.