Sheldon: Now, down to business. What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company? Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.
Howard: We're not quitting on Leonard.
Sheldon: I understand. And your loyalty is admirable. But what if I were to up the ante?
Raj: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Monogrammed key chains with a built-in laser pointer. No? How about can cosies emblazoned with our university mascot? Go Beavers!
I'll be back.

Sheldon: Greetings, gentlemen. How goes your little project?
Raj: You mean, Project Leonwoloppali?
Sheldon: Ah, a combination of all your names. Very clever. I assume Koothranardowitz was taken?

Penny: Hey, you don't need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me.
Sheldon: With you?
Penny: Seriously, I have a great idea for one.
Sheldon: Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?
Penny: Okay, look. When you see someone wearing shoes you like, you just snap a picture of them, and the app goes on the Internet to find out where you can buy them.
Sheldon: That's your app idea?
Penny: Well, you don't like it?
Sheldon: I didn't say that. But no, I don't.

Penny: Sheldon, I'm gonna make some cocoa. Do you want some?
Sheldon: Do you make it with milk or water?
Penny: Milk.
Sheldon: Real cocoa?
Penny: That's what it says on the packet.
Sheldon: Do you have those little marshmallows?
Penny: No, sorry.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose it's appropriate.
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: A disappointing drink for a disappointing day.

Leonard: Okay, now that you're back on the team, let's get you caught up.
Sheldon: Before you begin, let me say again how deeply sorry I am for my earlier behavior, and how much I respect and admire your leadership.
Leonard: Thank you. So as you can see, not only can you store your favorite equations, but you can forward them to your friends or post them on Facebook right from the app.
Sheldon: Well, I must say, I am impressed.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: You all have clearly put in a lot of hard work.
Howard: We have.
Sheldon: As a result, you have taken the most important step on the road to success, learning what not to do. Now, let's start fresh. Howard, we're going to need some tea.

Howard: That's your card, right?
Penny: Seven of clubs! That is amazing!
Sheldon: It's not amazing. All magic tricks are merely a combination of manipulation and misdirection with the occasional dwarf in a box wiggling his feet.
Howard: Oh, really? So how did I do it?
Sheldon: Well, I don't care how you did it. I have more important things to think about. Clearly, the cards are marked.
Howard: I thought you had more important things to think about.
Sheldon: I do. You just happen to have caught me on a break.

Sheldon: I must admit, I can't help but feel a twinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. It's like a cat in an airport carrying case.

Raj: Hey, if you guys are free tonight, I heard about a spa where you soak your feet in a pool full of little fish that eat all the dead skin right off them. I don't need to tell you in Los Angeles, sandal season is year round.
Leonard: Actually, I'm hanging out with Penny.
Raj: Oh, okay. Sounds like it's me and you, Sheldon. How about we stick some guppies on those puppies?
Sheldon: As I've stated before on numerous occasions, the only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken. Because the last words I would hear are "Release the Kraken." That never gets old. "Release the Kraken!" Chills.

Sheldon: Besides, I'm having dinner with Amy.
Raj: Oh, okay. I'll just go home and be alone. Which is cool. I eat alone, I sleep alone, I cry alone. So, cool.
Sheldon: Darn. If you weren't busy, I'd ask you to join us.
Raj: Really? I can come? Thanks!
Leonard: Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?
Sheldon: Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can't outsource that to an Indian.

Amy: I don't understand. What's he doing here?
Sheldon: I invited him.
Amy: On our date? Sheldon, that's not okay.
Sheldon: Yes, it is. There's a loophole in the Relationship Agreement.
Amy: You found a loophole?

Leonard: Who are you?
Toby: I am Sheldon's cousin Leo.
Leonard: Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.
Toby: Au contraire. I'm 26 years old. I'm originally from (reads off character profile) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world. As a result, I've often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.
Sheldon: Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.
Toby: Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology.

Sheldon: Uh, do you know how I solved the balanced center combat-area problem? Five words, transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.
Leonard: That's brilliant.
Sheldon: It's what I do. But wait, there's more. I also invented two new chess pieces. The serpent and the old woman.
Leonard: Okay, now I have to ask. What do they do?
Sheldon: When the serpent slithers to an opposing player's piece, that piece is considered poisoned and will die after two more moves. Ugh.
Leonard: All right.
Sheldon: Unless, it gets to the old woman in time, in which case she sucks out the poison, turning her into the Grand Empress, a piece combining the power of the knight, queen and serpent.
Leonard: Elegant.
Sheldon: That's because it's simple.

Leonard: Okay, well, I look forward to playing with you.
Sheldon: And...
Leonard: And what?
Sheldon: And a third person. It's three-person chess. I must say, ever since you started having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.

Sheldon: Social protocol does, however, require me to bring you a hot beverage in your time of need.
Raj: No, thank you. I'm fine.
Sheldon: It's not optional. We're out of tea. I hope you like bouillon.

Sheldon: I'd like to buy a scone.
Waitress: Oh, I'm sorry, we're out. We have muffins.
Sheldon: They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.