Sheldon: Hello, home wrecker.
Penny: What did I do?
Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy's out buying his and hers bath towels. Like I'd ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.

Sheldon: It's Penny's fault.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: She doesn't want to live with Leonard, so he has to come live here again. She's the snake in our garden. She's the reason we can't be happy.

Penny: Hey. So you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o'clock and order the same exact thing, and it's now 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who let the dogs out?" and, uh, "How are they hanging?"

Amy: Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?
Penny: Oh, gee, Amy, I'm sorry. I'm actually pretty busy this weekend.
Sheldon: Probably serving food that was ordered today.

Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone's attention, please? I know we're all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I'm sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it's just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo, and we're off.
Leonard: (To Penny) Don't worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers.

Penny: Who elected you Road Trip God?
Sheldon: Leonard...
Leonard: It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted and he was threatening to filibuster. It's not technically Road Trip God, it's Travel Supervisor.
Sheldon: Although Road Trip God does have a certain ring to it.

Sheldon: I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling.
Fine, I'll tell you. A lichen is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae. If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why? Hint, there is a right answer. None of you will get it.

Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Horse, but mostly just for the height. A little bit for the genital girth.
Sheldon: Wrong, and let's keep it clean, shall we?

Howard: Kangaroo. Uh, I'd be a Kanga-Jew - the first of my people to dunk a basketball.
Leonard: Also instead of just living in your mother's house, you could actually live inside her body.
Sheldon: Clever, but also wrong.

Raj: Maybe we can go up to Napa Valley. They've got that wine train.
Sheldon: Boo, wine! But yay, trains. I'm in.

Leonard: Hey, I got to hand it to Raj, he found a really nice spot to have a bachelor party.
Sheldon: It's not bad. Unless you compare it to a train, then it stinks.

Sheldon: I'm confused. I thought since our reconciliation, I was your friend in this group.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, I'm friends with Howard too.
Sheldon: Oh, I guess you're just friends with anybody. (drinks again) Urgh!

Raj: May I have your attention, please? We are here tonight to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of my best friend Howard Wolowitz.
Everybody: Hear! Hear!
Sheldon: And apparently Wil Wheaton's best friend.
Wil Wheaton: Sheldon...
Sheldon: Talk to the hand.

Sheldon: Allow me to comfort you. At least you've got your health.
Penny: Really? That, that's it? That's comforting?
Sheldon: Um, uh, in a hundred years, you'll both be dead and it won't matter?
Penny: No. Come on, you're supposed to say, "Of course he misses you, the only reason he's partying is to cover up his pain."
Sheldon: Oh, no, I don't think that's true at all.

Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It's in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.