Mary Cooper: How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?
Sheldon: A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You're kind of a sucker.

Leonard: Are you saying that my dad's not good enough for your mom?
Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn't that exciting?
Raj: You're kidding, right?
Sheldon: Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn't you ever think, "Hey, that could be me"?
Howard: Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapons system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.
Sheldon: Okay, Howard's on board.

Howard: Do you have any advice for us?
Marty: Well, I don't know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is: hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don't sign anything.
Sheldon: "Don't sign anything"? That's your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you'd recommend that we leave that unsigned?
Marty: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: That's what you said.
Marty: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don't mean and meaning things you don't say.

Sheldon: Ooh, can I use text-to-speech software?
Howard: No!
Leonard: Don't speak.
Sheldon's phone: (electronic male voice) Aw, nuts.

Sheldon: Look, I'm sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.
Penny: Well, I told people at work that she's pregnant. She wasn't ready for them to know.
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Penny: Well, it just slipped out. I feel terrible.
Sheldon: See, that's exactly what happened to me, except that I said it on purpose, and I have no regrets.

Howard: If you're tired, have some coffee.
Sheldon: What? You have some coffee.
Howard: I am having coffee.
Sheldon: And look how irritable it's making you!

Penny: Wait. Why don't you guys stay across the hall, and we will live here?
Sheldon: Interesting. If my official residence were across the hall, I wonder if I'd need to knock every time I came over here.

Sheldon: I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.
Amy: Oh, this is so exciting.
Sheldon: Well, now, don't be surprised if, like Star Trek, it's canceled in three.

Sheldon: How many pairs of underwear did you pack for the move?
Amy: I don't know. I didn't count.
Sheldon: You truly are the Goofus to my Gallant.
Amy: That's me.

Sheldon: Now, this side offers me proximity to the bathroom, but I am closer to the window where perverts can watch me sleep.
Amy: Okay. What if we do this? (Amy closes the drapes)
Sheldon: I suppose that works.
Amy: Great.
Sheldon: Although now I'm kind of worried someone's hiding behind those drapes.

Sheldon: Good morning! See? I didn't knock, but it's fine. (Quietly to himself) I didn't knock, but it's fine. I didn't knock, but it's fine.

Sheldon: If we're just going to drive around aimlessly, the least you could do is take me for ice cream.
Penny: Yeah, I'll take you for ice cream.
Sheldon: Well, see, why can't Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she's Gloria Steinem.

Amy: As you may notice, just one of the changes around here is our new house band.
*Howard plays a keyboard solo*
Sheldon: Who haven't learned their place yet.

Amy: So, uh, what about dinner?
Sheldon: Is it me or are you purposely changing the subject?
Amy: No. And on the subject of subjects, is your use of the word "subject" the same or different as when we speak about the subject of a king?
Sheldon: I have a feeling you're still doing it. But I find that topic irresistible, so, now, in ancient Mesopotamia, the king referred to the people as his property.