Ms. Davis: I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you.
Sheldon: So I've been told. But I can't understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There's string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that's for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.
Ms. Davis: Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while.

Sheldon: Well, you, Im just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman's menstrual cycle...
Ms. Davis: Woah! You can't talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and Im gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.

Sheldon: It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I said to you could be construed as offensive, and I would like to offer you my sincerest apology.
Alex: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn't happen in the future.
Alex: Okay.
Sheldon: Yeah. Now, unfortunately, uh, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this, so, um, I'm gonna need you to take it for me. Oh, and, uh, you'd better ace it, they're pretty mad.

Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I want soup.
Penny: Why didn't you just ... Why didn't you just have soup at home?
Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187. Don't you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home I would have thought of it?
Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon: I did not think of that.

Sheldon: Wait. Will you please rub this on my chest.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, can't you do that yourself?
Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny.
Penny: But Sheldon-
Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
Penny: I can't believe I'm doing this.
Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats.

Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, the instructions are very clear. Don't feed the gremlins after midnight. Don't get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?

Leonard: So, what's going on with Raj?
Howard: Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother's tur-brka-fil.
Penny: Hard to believe, but go on.
Howard: The bad news is, he says he's getting deported.
Leonard: What do you mean, he's getting deported?
Sheldon: I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that's willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I'd choose pirate.

Howard: Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?
Penny: Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Sheldon: Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession.

Sheldon: And you've continued to take the university's money under false pretenses? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.

Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.
Raj: Hello Sheldon.
Sheldon: Forgive me .As you know, I'm not adept at reading facial cues, but I'm going to take a stab here, you're either sad or nauseated.
Raj: I'm sad.
Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don't know why I hedged.

Sheldon: I'm sorry.
Raj: Me, too. I'm just, I'm a little on edge.
Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: And you're wrong about Hinduism and cows.

Howard: Hey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team.
Raj: You-you're kidding. That's fantastic!
Howard: Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.
Raj: I'm on it.
Sheldon: That's happy, right?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Nailed it.

Sheldon: Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit-
Leonard: Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. If you didn't cheer at my entrance, it's too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and Raj can come work for me.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, I believe you've misunderstood. I'm not giving you the job. I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we'll get started with the interview.
Raj: Wha... you're kidding!
Sheldon: Please.
Raj: All right.
Sheldon: So, that's what you wear to an interview?
Raj: Come on, dude, we've been friends for years.
Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?
Raj: Sheldon, for God's sakes, don't make me beg.
Sheldon: Bazinga! You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I'm your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.

Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home.
Raj: How did you get here?
Sheldon: I walked.
Raj: So walk home.
Sheldon: I can't. There's a big dog outside.