Leonard: So, Priya, what brings you back to LA?
Priya: I have a one day layover on my way to Toronto. Corporate merger.
Raj: Can you believe it? Little Priya's one of the lead attorneys for the biggest car company in India.
Sheldon: Given that when we met her she was finishing law school and planning an internship at a large Indian car company, it's actually extremely plausible.
Leonard: And your poll numbers just keep dropping.

Sheldon: You are in a forest. There is quicksand to the west, a path leads to the east. Go east. An iron gate blocks your way. Open gate. It's locked. Hmm, well, so much for that.
Leonard: It's getting pretty late, how come you're still up?
Sheldon: I've found an emulator online that lets you play classic text based computer games from the 1980s.
Leonard: That's pretty cool.
Sheldon: Oh yes. It runs on the world's most powerful graphics chip, imagination.
Leonard: You've really got to get out more.

Sheldon: Leonard, I'm trapped in quicksand. The axe is dragging me down.
Leonard: Drop axe.
Sheldon: Drop axe. Brilliant!

Sheldon: Who was at the door?
Leonard: Oh, uh, building manager. They have to fix a pipe so the water will be off tomorrow from noon to two.
Sheldon: That's unacceptable. We're supposed to be given written notice.
Leonard: No, no, it doesn't matter, we'll be at work.
Sheldon: Well, what if I spill tomato soup on my shirt and have to come home to change, only to find there's no water for an enzyme soak.
Leonard: Bifurcated uvula, Sheldon!
Sheldon: I'll have the chicken noodle. Goodnight.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard. (Knock, knock, knock) Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I heard a woman laughing.
Leonard: Oh, uh, yeah, I was trying to see if I could laugh as a woman.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, good job, quite convincing. I smell perfume.
Leonard: Air freshener.
Sheldon: And is that lipstick on your cheek and neck.
Leonard: Uh, rash, that's a bad rash.
Sheldon: My sympathies. I am no stranger to the crimson scourge that is dermatitis. Can I interest you in a topical steroid from my lotion and unguent collection?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, yeah, that sounds great.
Sheldon: Very well, I'm sure I can find something that will help you ditch that itch.

Sheldon: Do you prefer ointment or cream?
Leonard: Uh, cream.
Sheldon: With or without a numbing agent?
Leonard: Without.
Sheldon: Really? Leonard, there are no heroes when it comes to dermatitis.
Leonard: Fine. With.
Sheldon: Prescription or non-prescription strength.
Leonard: Use your best judgment.
Sheldon: Well, I think I have a nice 2009 AnaMantle HC. It's usually indicated for acutely inflamed hemorrhoids, but it also goes nicely with non mucosal body parts.
Leonard: Sounds great.

Sheldon: Excellent choice.

Leonard: Making pretty good time, huh?
Sheldon: Is that really what you want to talk about, Leonard?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: What do you want to talk about?
Leonard: Please don't tell anyone I spent the night with Raj's sister.
Sheldon: There it is. What if someone asks?
Leonard: No-one's going to ask if I spent the night with Raj's sister.
Sheldon: Perhaps. But they might ask me something else.
Leonard: Like what?
Sheldon: Like, has Leonard betrayed any of his friends recently?

Leonard: Priya and I are both adults. We didn't betray Raj.
Sheldon: In fact, you did, but I was referring to Howard.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: April 12th, 2005, Bobs Big Boy, Toluca Lake. Raj had just introduced us to Priya for the first time, and she was enjoying the sweet taste of Hindu rebellion in the form of a Bob's Super Big Boy hamburger. In order to preserve your friendship, you and Howard made a pinky swear that neither of you would attempt to woo her. I had a patty melt.
Leonard: Okay, fine, I betrayed Howard.
Sheldon: And Raj.
Leonard: Alright, and Raj.
Sheldon: And me.
Leonard: You?
Sheldon: Violation of the roommate agreement, overnight guest notification clause.

Leonard: My point is, Priya's gone. And it would be much better if no-one else found out about this.
Sheldon: You mean, you want me to keep a secret?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: You know I can't keep a secret.
Leonard: You can if you try. Think about it this way, if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret. Right?
Sheldon: Why do you get to be Batman?
Leonard: Because, well, Batman has the secret.
Sheldon: Well Alfred has secrets too.
Leonard: Like what?
Sheldon: Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman. See, I can't keep a secret.

Sheldon: Ta-da!
Leonard: What.
Sheldon: Ta-da. It's short for da-da-da-da!
Leonard: Kind of busy here, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I know, that's why I shortened it.

Sheldon: I came to go over your alibi for last night.
Leonard: What alibi?
Sheldon: You've asked me to lie on your behalf, and as you know, I am deeply uncomfortable with impromptu dishonest, so I've provided you with an iron clad alibi. You couldn't have spent last night with Priya, because you were with another woman.
Leonard: Oh, I'm so sure I'm going to regret this, but, who was I with?
Sheldon: The fun loving, and morally loose, Miss Maggie McGeary.
Leonard: Oh, God.
Sheldon: You met her at Pasadena's most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin's, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and a heart full of dreams.
Leonard: (reading a napkin that Sheldon gave to him) Leonard, call me if you're interested in coitus. Sincerely, Maggie McGeary.
Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number they will hear this. (Robotic voice with an Irish accent from Sheldon's phone) Top of the morning to you. You've reached Maggie McGeary. Leave a message after the wee little beep.
Sheldon: It's pretty convincing, huh? And it wasn't even a real person. And here is the clincher. A lock of Maggie's flaming auburn hair.
Leonard: Where did you get that?
Sheldon: From an orang-u-tan in the primate lab.
Leonard: An orang-u-tan?
Sheldon: Well, no-one's going to run a DNA test on it, Leonard, honestly you over-think everything.

Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Hey, Leonard, will you please tell Howard my sister's never been attracted to him.
Leonard: C'mon Raj, how am I supposed to know who she's attracted to? Or was attracted to. Or who she might be attracted to. In the future.
Sheldon: And I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Because I too know absolutely nothing about Priya's preferences in male companionship. And with that, I will re-zip my lip.

Leonard: Look, I'm sorry Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.
Sheldon: Don't listen to him, he's still light headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.

Raj: What were you doing with Priya?
Sheldon: I believe they engaged in coitus but, more importantly, if Leonard had not abandoned his story, would you have found it plausible?

Sheldon: May I point out, in a parallel universe, your friends are saying Maggie McGeary, she sounds lovely.