Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here?
Penny: Eight o'clock. (Sheldon checks his pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor.

Sheldon: Under what pretext did you lure her here?
Penny: I said, hey, want to come over and hang out?
Sheldon: Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might've gotten suspicious.

Leonard: So you're still just texting and emailing? You don't feel any need to hang out with her, you know, be in the same room?
Sheldon: Leonard, you are my best friend. I've known you for seven years, and I can barely tolerate sitting on the couch with you. Imagine my attitude regarding prolonged physical proximity to Amy Farrah Fowler.

Sheldon: I sense judgment on your part.
Leonard: No, no. Maybe a little.
Sheldon: May I suggest that your criticism is based on jealousy.
Leonard: Jealousy? What do I have to be jealous of?
Sheldon: I have a functioning and satisfying relationship with a female. You have none.
Leonard: Oh, right. That.
Sheldon: Jealousy is an ugly green-eyed monster, not unlike the Hulk, who, by the way, also has a girlfriend. In this iteration, Jennifer Connelly, whom you may recall as the girlfriend of Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, a feel-good romp if there ever was one.
Leonard: I'm not jealous.
Sheldon: Hurgh! Leonard not jealous.

Sheldon: You know, when my grandfather died, and Meemaw was alone, my mom arranged for her to visit a center three times a week where she could socialize with other lonely people. It's very nice. They discuss current events, play bridge, get a hot meal.
Leonard: That sounds lovely.
Sheldon: It is if you like bridge. Do you like bridge, Leonard?
Leonard: Sheldon, I'm just not dating someone right now. I don't need to go to a senior center.
Sheldon: Meemaw resisted at first, but now she loves it.
Leonard: Fine. If I don't meet someone soon, you can put me in a home.
Sheldon: It's not a home. It's a senior center. We'd never put Meemaw in a home!

Sheldon: Leonard? Are you sleeping?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Are you still depressed because you're alone, and no one loves you?
Leonard: I don't know. Maybe.
Sheldon: I want you to know that I'm genuinely concerned about your well-being.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: You're welcome. But it's still no reason to have your feet in my spot.

Amy: (via a webcam) May I offer an observation?
Leonard: What the hell? How long has she been here?
Sheldon: Since we got home from the comic bookstore.
Leonard: That was two hours ago.
Sheldon: As per your suggestion, we're hanging out. Quite frankly, I don't see what all the hoopla's about.

Amy: I understand that some people find mates in social gathering places such as bars or taverns. Have you tried a bar or tavern?
Leonard: No, I'm not gonna try to pick up a woman in a bar.
Sheldon: Wise decision. You see, Amy, success at a bar is based on classic male attributes such as height, strength, attractiveness, the ability to hold one's liquor and throw darts, separately or together. Leonard has none of these attributes, right, Leonard?
Leonard: Right.

Leonard: Look, she obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.
Sheldon: I don't want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!
Leonard: Me? Well, how am I supposed to fix it?
Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone's girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.
Leonard: That is insane.
Sheldon: You're right. It would never work. Amy finds you tedious.

Leonard: Well, I'm off to meet Bernadette's friend. How do I look?
Sheldon: As if one of the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.

Amy: What if we have a code word?
Sheldon: Ooh, now you're speaking my catamaran. That's my code word for "language."
Amy: Okay, fine, catamaran. That's our code word.
Sheldon: No, that's my code word. Get your own.

Amy: You hear me say pretzels, you change the subject.
Sheldon: Rhinos are my least favorite animals at the zoo.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we started.

Amy: I see your point. Okay, we are officially open to a best woman and a gentleman of honor.
Sheldon: Oh, those names are terrible. One point off for you.
Amy: What am I being tested for?
Sheldon: Oh, it's not important. But if you don't pass, none of this matters.

Stuart: Everything okay?
Sheldon: Well, I secretly experimented on my friends, and now none of them want to be my best man. So, you know, normal wedding drama.

Sheldon: Probably have to use my stupid brother. So get ready for a wedding toast delivered by his armpit.