Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets.

Leonard: You cannot blow up my head with your brain.
Sheldon: Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.

Leonard: Okay, I'm going ask you one more time. We did the work together, let's present the paper together.
Sheldon: And I'm telling you for the last time, it's pandering, it's undignified, and bite me.

Sheldon: Look at me, look at me, I've got goosebumps.

Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that's something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.
Sheldon: Not to mention you'd have to power down on Saturdays.

Leonard: Okay, if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out?
Sheldon: Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers, who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be.

Leonard: Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying. Everything else is optional.

Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, I'm doing it.
Sheldon: You can't. I'm the lead author.
Leonard: Oh, come on. The only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome.

Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon: It doesn't need proving.
Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon: They're not supposed to, but they should.

Penny: So you and Leonard-
Sheldon: Oh dear God.
Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh?
Sheldon: A little misunder- Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

Penny: Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.
Sheldon: Huh.
Penny: Well, how do you feel?
Sheldon: I don't understand the question.
Penny: Well I'm just asking if it's difficult to be fighting with your best friend.
Sheldon: Oh. I hadn't thought about it like that. I wonder if I've been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon: I couldn't poop this morning.

Penny: You should just talk to him, I'm sure you guys can work this out.
Sheldon: It's certainly preferable to my plan.
Penny: Which was?
Sheldon: A powerful laxative.

Sheldon: Were you trying to impress Penny?
Leonard: No, no not at all. ... A little bit.
Sheldon: How'd that work out for you?
Penny: (entering the apartment) Leonard, ready to go?
Sheldon: Libido 1, Truth 0.

Leonard: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man.

Sheldon: As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds. No offense.
Leonard: Really, so why did you come?
Sheldon: Because I knew you’d screw this up.
Leonard: I didn't screw it up.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there.