Raj: So, I was reading how it's a good idea for new parents to take an infant CPR class.
Bernadette: Yeah, we've been meaning to do that.
Stuart: Oh, I know a CPR instructor who'll come to the house.
Howard: That'd be great.
Stuart: I'll give him a call. We met when I was sleeping on the beach and he thought I was dead.

Stuart: Why can't there be four wheels?
Raj: Is this what you do when I'm not here, make really good points?
Stuart: Look, just come in and help me build a baby swing.
Raj: Thank you.
Stuart: If you're hungry you can eat your takeout; nobody touched it.

Howard: Hey, tomorrow who wants to paint the nursery?
Raj: I'll do it.
Stuart: Why do you get to do it? I'm the artist.
Raj: Just because you're starving doesn't make you an artist.
Stuart: Just because I look sickly doesn't mean I'm starving.

Raj: As much as I appreciate this, I can't accept it. Okay? Halley's my goddaughter, I don't take care of her for money.
Stuart: I would.

Raj: You know, we're both down on our luck. Maybe you and I should try to get a place together.
Stuart: (chuckles) Okay, listen to me. There is no reason to leave here. This is great. Everyone's nice. It's comfortable. If all goes according to plan, this is my retirement home.
Raj: Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you were more independent?
Stuart: Better than I feel in their steam shower? I don't think so.

Raj: No, you see, I'm doing this so I can stop being spoiled and, you know, grow as a person.
Stuart: Good for you. This sandwich has six dollars worth of ham in it.

Howard: You okay?
Bernadette: Of course, why?
Howard: Well, I don't know, you seem a little upset.
Bernadette: No, I'm fine.
Howard: You sure?
Stuart: Why don't you think she's fine? She sounds fine, she looks fine. If I saw her on the street I'd say, "Damn, that girl's fine!"

Raj: Actually, I was going to suggest me.
Howard: Great. Anybody's better than, (glancing at Stuart) mmm.
Stuart: Excuse me. They took out my spleen and gallbladder, not my feelings.

Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek.

Penny: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey, Penny. Wow. Hi.
Penny: What's going on?
Stuart: Nothing. I'm just getting ready to close up and head out.
Penny: Ah. Cool. Got any fun plans?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Big night tonight. Gonna share a can of tuna with the cat.
Penny: Oh, nice.
Stuart: Not even my cat. I just feed it. Some nights it doesn't even show up.

Sheldon: I open the chest.
Leonard: It's locked, but suddenly the door behind you slams shut and now the walls of the room start closing in.
Stuart: That's not good. My character and I both have claustrophobia.

Stuart: I, um, I want you to know that even though we're on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will.
Penny: Thank you, Stuart. It's nice to know.
Stuart: People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what's-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. ... I'm gonna bowl now.

Sheldon: Hello Stuart.
Stuart: Hey Sheldon. Help you with anything?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?
Stuart: Uh, I don't know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.
Sheldon: Do you supply the tennis ball?
Stuart: No.

Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.
Penny: Gummy bears? Thank you.
Sheldon: Now that you're in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt's tedious birthday party.

Leonard: Okay, fine. Just the sword, two ten.
Stuart: Thank you. I can eat meat this week.