Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah?
Raj: Do you want to hang out tomorrow night, maybe grab a bite to eat or catch a late movie?
Stuart: Yeah, I'd like to, but I'm a little tight on funds.
Raj: No problem. My treat. I'll swing by after work.
Stuart: Okay.
Raj: Okay.
(After Raj leaves)
Stuart: I could do worse.

Stuart: Okay, I'll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can't help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I'm 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.

Sheldon: Hello Stuart.
Stuart: Hey Sheldon. Help you with anything?
Sheldon: Yes. I'm attending a party this weekend, for a 93-year-old woman. Can you recommend a gift?
Stuart: Uh, I don't know. Could put a tennis ball on the end of Excalibur. Make a pretty badass cane.
Sheldon: Do you supply the tennis ball?
Stuart: No.

Sheldon: Hello, Penny. I just stopped by to bring you this gift.
Penny: Gummy bears? Thank you.
Sheldon: Now that you're in my debt, please manipulate Amy into releasing me from my commitment to attend her aunt's tedious birthday party.

Howard: You interested in Amy?
Stuart: Well, I mean she didn't look through me with soul-sucking ball-shriveling hatred and contempt. I like that in a woman.

Stuart: Oh, I see you guys have found my little treasure.
Leonard: Yeah. It's okay, I guess.
Sheldon: Okay? It's magnificent.
Leonard: Buh-buh-buh-buh! What do you want for it?
Stuart: Oh, it's hard to put a price on something thats a copy of something that was on pay cable. But for my friends, let's say 250?
Leonard: Oh, that's pretty steep.
Stuart: Well, it's a limited edition. They only made 8,000 of these bad boys.

Leonard: Two ten and you throw in the Iron Man helmet.
Stuart: Are you crazy? That helmet's signed by Robert Downey Jr.
Leonard: So?
Stuart: Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning!

Leonard: Okay, fine. Just the sword, two ten.
Stuart: Thank you. I can eat meat this week.

Sheldon: I've loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it's been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.
Leonard: Sheldon, we're working here!
Sheldon: That's all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls the plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.
Leonard: No, that was completely called for. We need quiet.
Sheldon: So, your project is more important than mine?
Leonard: Well, seeing as your project is to sabotage my project, yes.
Sheldon: Dont beat around the bush, Leonard. If you dont want me here, just say the word, and Ill leave.
(cut to Sheldon in the hallway outside the apartment)
Sheldon: Could have beaten around the bush a little.

Stuart: I, um, I want you to know that even though we're on opposite sides, I, I bear you no ill will.
Penny: Thank you, Stuart. It's nice to know.
Stuart: People from opposite sides often have good relationships. You know, Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria from West Side Story, what's-his-name and the big blue chick in Avatar. ... I'm gonna bowl now.

Stuart: I will give you the address if you go to my cousin's wedding with me.
Penny: You're extorting a date out of me?
Stuart: I kinda have to. The cousin who's getting married is the cousin I usually go to weddings with.

Penny: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey, Penny. Wow. Hi.
Penny: What's going on?
Stuart: Nothing. I'm just getting ready to close up and head out.
Penny: Ah. Cool. Got any fun plans?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Big night tonight. Gonna share a can of tuna with the cat.
Penny: Oh, nice.
Stuart: Not even my cat. I just feed it. Some nights it doesn't even show up.

Stuart: I was thinking of closing early and going home, but let's face it, that's just a slightly smaller lonely room filled with comics.

Stuart: Well, tonight's my date with Penny and since we haven't been able to connect by phone...
Leonard: Yeah, I'm sorry, it's been broken.
Stuart: Or e-mail.
Leonard: Yeah, that too. Everything's broken.
Stuart: Anyway, I was just wondering if you had any last-minute advice.
Leonard: All right, well, off the top of my head, I think the most important thing with Penny is to go really slow. I mean, glacial.
Stuart: Okay.
Leonard: You know, guys come onto her all the time, so, you need to, like, set yourself apart. You know, be a little shy, don't make too much eye contact. And, you know, treat her with, like, cool detachment and, you know, fear.
Stuart: Fear?
Leonard: Yeah, like, you're afraid that if you touch her, she'll break.
Stuart: Well, that plays right into my wheelhouse.

Stuart: Yeah, last night at dinner, I did what you told me, I went really slow, I kept my distance, and two bottles of wine later, we were making out in my car.
Leonard: Wine? I didn't say to give her wine.
Stuart: It doesn't matter, that's where it all went to hell.
Leonard: During the kissing? What did you do, sneeze in her mouth? I did that to a girl once.
Stuart: No, everything was good and really hot, and I said “Oh, Penny,” and right where she was supposed to say, “Oh, Stuart,” she said ... your name.
Leonard: Leonard?
Stuart: That is your name, right?
Leonard: Yeah, no, yeah, wow, I'm sorry. That must've been the last thing you wanted to hear.
Stuart: Well, it beats "You know I'm a dude, right?" Yeah, it was pretty bad.