Raj: Hey, dude, you're killing me with Claire.
Zack: What are you talking about?
Raj: I mean, come on, look at you. You're classically handsome, you've got a swimmer's body. Next to you, I look like me.

Zack: Oh, man, I didn't mean to do that. But I do appreciate you recognizing my swimmer's body. Which, incidentally, I got from playing Marco Polo at the YMCA.

Raj: Yeah, okay, just do me a favor and stop talking about how great Claire is.
Zack: Anything for you, my little foreign friend.

Zack: I see what you're saying. She's not so great.
Raj: Don't listen to him. He says crazy things all the time. Uh, watch. Marco.
Zack: Polo.

Raj: So, uh, what are you guys talking about?
Claire: Your friends were just telling me about all the other girls you're dating.
Raj: Why would you do that? I specifically asked you not to do that.
Penny: We didn't.
Amy: You just did.
Zack: Wow. Maybe none of you guys are smart.

Zack: Boy, you get some dirty looks over there when you ask for ice.

Raj: Zack, this is my friend Claire.
Zack: You're hot. You seeing anybody?
Raj: Uh, she's seeing me.
Zack: Why'd you say she's your friend?
Raj: We're just keeping it casual.
Zack: Why is he being casual with you? You seem great.
Claire: I don't know. Ask him.
Zack: Why are you being casual with her? She seems great.

Zack: Hey, babe.
Penny: Hey. Did you remember to pay the rent?
Zack: Better. I used the money to buy these magic beans.

Zack: Aw, babe, I peed myself.
Penny: Me, too.

Zack: It's my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around.

Zack: You know what they say. Happy wife - Happy life. Let's eat!

Leonard: Yeah, well, she's not going to be your wife for long.
Zack: (To Penny) Oh no, are you dying!?

Zack: Not cool, bro. I'm starting to think you're not the kind of guy I want dating my wife.

Penny: Look, Zack. Come on. You know neither of us thought this was real. I mean we were married by an Elvis impersonator.
Zack: Of course it was an impersonator. We could never afford a real Elvis.

Zack: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
Penny: We don't have any kids.
Zack: Are you sure? 'cause you didn't know we were married until this morning.