Raj: Hey, dude, you're killing me with Claire.
Zack: What are you talking about?
Raj: I mean, come on, look at you. You're classically handsome, you've got a swimmer's body. Next to you, I look like me.

Raj: Yeah, okay, just do me a favor and stop talking about how great Claire is.
Zack: Anything for you, my little foreign friend.

Zack: I see what you're saying. She's not so great.
Raj: Don't listen to him. He says crazy things all the time. Uh, watch. Marco.
Zack: Polo.

Raj: So, uh, what are you guys talking about?
Claire: Your friends were just telling me about all the other girls you're dating.
Raj: Why would you do that? I specifically asked you not to do that.
Penny: We didn't.
Amy: You just did.
Zack: Wow. Maybe none of you guys are smart.

Penny: Uh, what's new?
Zack: Oh, tons of stuff. Put artificial grass in my backyard, got engaged, had a scary mole that turned out to be Sharpie.
Penny: Well, congratulations.
Zack: That's what my dermatologist said.
Penny: No, on getting engaged, good for you.
Zack: Oh, thanks.

Penny: Oh, that's a nice offer.
Zack: You know, we'd make a great team. Or as we say in the menu business, I can't do this without Me N U.
Penny: Right, 'cause it spells "menu."
Zack: Yeah, right? It's funny. I got a lot of menu jokes, but that's my favorite.

Zack: It's my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around.

Zack: So, long story short, I nailed her.
Sheldon: When he finished, he shouted Eureka!
Zack: No, I always shout, Holy Moly! Don't know why. Just do.

Zack: Penny?
Penny: Oh, Zack, hi. You guys remember Zack?
Howard: Yeah, hey, buddy.
Amy: Hello.
Raj: Hey.
Zack: Hey, did you two get married?
Penny: We did.
Leonard: Yeah, mmm-hmm.
Zack: To each other?
Penny: Yes.
Zack: Cool. 'cause other than when you broke up with him and dated me, then broke up with me, and then dated me one more time before going back to him, I was always rooting for you two.

Zack: Boy, you get some dirty looks over there when you ask for ice.

Zack: Oh, man, I didn't mean to do that. But I do appreciate you recognizing my swimmer's body. Which, incidentally, I got from playing Marco Polo at the YMCA.

Leonard: So, how'd you two guys meet?
Zack: My company designs the menus for the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Your company?
Zack: Well, it's my dad's, but me and my sister are VPs.
Leonard: So, menus?
Zack: I know it sounds easy but there's a lot of science that goes in designing them.

Zack: Do you have a bodyguard to keep spies away?
Leonard: I have Sheldon, that keeps most people away.
Zack: I miss that guy. He's like the Swedish Chef Muppet. I don't know what he's saying, but he's funny.
Leonard: Oh, I know what he's saying, and he's not, he's not funny.

Penny: Yeah, lying isn't my favorite part of the job. Actually, I'm not crazy about a lot of it.
Zack: Hey, if you're not happy there, I've been looking for a new head of sales at my company. And we don't sell drugs, just menus, so the only lie you'll be telling is we print on recycled paper. We don't.

Zack: Penny, what's up?
Penny: Hey, uh, so I've been thinking about it and I want to take the job.
Zack: Oh, bad news. When my fiance found out that I was offering a job to my ex-girlfriend, she said it was a stupid idea and threw a shoe at me.
Penny: Oh, so there's no job?
Zack: Nope, just a little bump on my forehead.