Penny: I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company. I don't want to impose.
Sheldon: No, no. It's not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw and have at it.

Bernadette: Wait a second. I'm doing your laundry?
Howard: Well, honey, it's not gonna do itself. Oh, before I forget. Tomorrow morning, you're driving me to the dentist.
Bernadette: I have to take you?
Howard: You don't have to take me. You get to take me.
Bernadette: Wait a minute. Are you telling me your mother usually takes you to the dentist?
Howard: It's not weird. There's lots of kids there with their moms.

Howard: Big fight with my mother.
Leonard: Still arguing over which CSI is the best?
Howard: No, we agreed they all have their merits. This was about Bernadette.

Raj: Penny, you became disenchanted with Leonard as a lover. Would you please tell my sister why?

Raj: Leonard, I swear to God, if you sister ever comes to town, I shall have my way with her.
Leonard: my sister's thirty-eight and married.
Raj: All the more shame that will fall upon the house of Hofstadter.

Howard: What's so funny?
Bernadette: Nothing. Just thinking about the noises people make during sex.
Howard: I do sometimes get a bit carried away, don't I?
Bernadette: It's cute. You sound a little like a drunken monkey. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Howard: You know it's meant as a compliment.
Bernadette: That's how I take it.

Howard: Well, gotta go.
Bernadette: Oh! Already? Why don't you stay over?
Howard: Well, I'd love to, but you know my mother needs me in the morning.
Bernadette: Please, I think the woman can manage to put a wig on by herself.
Howard: It's not just the wig. It's pinning her hair up, drawing on her eyebrows. It's a two-person job.

Bernadette: Howard, have you ever considered us living together?
Howard: Boy, I don't know. You, me, Ma living under the same roof?
Bernadette: No, I mean just you and me. You can move in here, or we can find a place.
Howard: I've got a better solution.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: We wait for my mom's heart to explode from all the salt she eats. Then we just stick her in the ground, flip her mattress and move into the big bedroom.

Raj: It's completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I'll be right out here monitoring the situation! (Makes a phone call) Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. (Makes another call) Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.

Raj: Why are you holding hands? I forbid you to hold hands.
Priya: Rajesh, you know Leonard and I spent the night together.
Raj: Yeah, but you were just sleeping, because I forboded you to have sex.
Leonard: The word is forbade.
Raj: Are you sure? That doesn't sound right.

Howard: Listen, my mom's going to Palm Springs to visit her sister. That's two whole nights in a row I can sleep over with you all the way to morning. Unless the desert air dries out her sinuses, in which case I'll have to schlep out there with the big humidifier.
Bernadette: That's it? That's your big solution to all of our problems? If your mom's nose holds up, we get two nights together?
Howard: Isn't that great?

Penny: So, what is all that stuff?
Amy: This is a portable electroencephalogram. I'm doing research on emotions and brain activity. So when you start crying, I can see which region of the brain is activated. Then I'm going to stimulate the analogous area in the brain of a rhesus monkey and see if he cries. Cool, huh?

Howard: I choose you.
Bernadette: Really?
Howard: Yep. I moved out of my mother's house. Cord is cut. I'm all yours.
Bernadette: What did she say when you told her?
Howard: I don't know. She hasn't responded to my email yet.

Bernadette: I can't believe we're finally living together.
Howard: Yeah. You know what would make this moment perfect?
Bernadette: What?
Howard: A little snack. You got any string cheese?
Bernadette: No. I, I might have some cheddar.
Howard: Not as good. You can't make strings with it. Remind me to put it on your shopping list.

Howard: You have hypo-allergenic detergent?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Better put it on the list. If you wash my underwear with regular soap, I get little red bumps on my tuchus.