Sheldon: There's something I need to tell you.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: I can't tell you.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: I can't tell you why I can't tell you. So I guess there's two things I can't tell you.
Leonard: I wish there were more.

Leonard: Okay, I think I understand.
Sheldon: You do?
Leonard: The guy who seems like an emotionless robot is you, but your relationship with Amy is causing you to transform into a red-blooded man with sexual desires.
Sheldon: That is literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Sheldon: Leonard, maybe you'd like to go with them to meet girls.
Leonard: Why would I be interested? I have Penny.
Sheldon: Yeah, for now. But that woman has a death wish, Leonard. She talks to strangers, she pets unfamiliar dogs, and it is ridiculously easy to break into her apartment. If I were you, I'd get a back-up.

Amy: You slept with him?
Penny: I didn't know what else to do. He had those big, sad eyes.
Bernadette: Oh, sure, you had no choice.

Sheldon: Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.
Leonard: Go ahead.
Sheldon: 2311 North Los Robles Avenue, Pasadena, California to International Space Station. Can you read me? Over. (Makes static noise)
Howard: Yes, I read you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Copy that. Over. (Static)
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I am talking to a man in space. If you don't have the (static) then he might as well be at the Coffee Bean over on Lake Street.
Howard: You're out of your mind, Sheldon!
Sheldon: That's a negative. My mother had me tested. Over.

Raj: What's the big deal? You guys are bringing your girlfriends. I didn't want to sit by myself.
Sheldon: The big deal is I was expecting us to be an intimate group of five. Now, we're going to be a faceless mass of six.

Leonard: It'll be fine. Just, uh, pretend he's Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Hmm. Do you like Raisinets?
Stuart: I can take them or leave them.
Sheldon: At the movies, Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.
Stuart: Would you feel more comfortable if I ate Raisinets?
Sheldon: Well, it's hardly my business what you eat. As long as it doesn't crunch during the film and it's Raisinets.

Amy: Penny said she's not sure she wants to be Leonard's girlfriend anymore.
Sheldon: Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches' brew of his soda and spit?

Stuart: Raisinet?
Sheldon: Shh, we're trying to watch the movie. (To Amy) This is not working out with him.

Sheldon: *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard? *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard? *Knock, knock, knock* Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Are you sleeping?
Leonard: I was. Now I'm having a nightmare.

Sheldon: Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you're up, we could talk.
Penny: Talk about what?
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. Uh, weather. Uh, fish you could do carpentry with. Why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend. Yeah, pick one. Your choice.
Penny: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.
Penny: Okay, go home, crazy man.
Sheldon: Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today's North Korea, he's downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.

Amy: (Puts Penny on hold, answers a new call) Hello?
Sheldon: Yeah, just a heads-up: Penny knows that you blabbed about Leonard. She's pretty mad.
Amy: I know. She's yelling at me right now.
Sheldon: All right then, so we're all on the same page.

Bernadette: Why don't you stand up to them?
Howard: What am I supposed to say?
Bernadette: I don't know. Say, being mean is lame, what's cool is being nice.

Howard: Great, I'll do that when I want to be the first guy in space to get a wedgie.
Bernadette: Do you want me to call somebody at NASA?
Howard: No. My mom already tried that. It only made things worse.

Raj: Focused Locust.
Stuart: Temple of Yip.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Wolowitz would never play that card.
Stuart: All right, Lesser Demon Turtle.
Sheldon: Fairy God Monster, I win. Your desperate need for friendship makes you weak.