Raj: I wish I had a friend like me.

Raj: Amy, good luck getting these guys excited about a dinner with a theme. I gave up when no one cared about my Tom Hanks-Giving.

Raj: Oh man, first monster I see I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand and shoot my magic all over his ass!
Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

Raj: Doesn't anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.
Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

Penny: [to Raj] Run to India.

Amy: As my mom used to say, "When you're doing a puzzle, it's like you've got a thousand friends." She was full of fun lies like that.

Bernadette: (Shouting at another driver) Your kid might be a honor student but you're a moron!