Raj: It's nice that all the people who are lonely on Valentine's Day can come here tonight and be together.
Stuart: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. In fact, there's no place I would rather be than here.
Raj: Except on a date with anybody.
Stuart: Literally anybody.

Stuart: Oh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge.

Howard: Hang on, I know a place where you could you stay and earn some money at the same time.
Stuart: Great!
Howard: I just have to warn you: it will involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse.
Stuart: So, what's the catch?

Bernadette: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: *startled* Hey.
Bernadette: Sorry, did I startle you?
Stuart: Yes, but at this point pretty much any customer does.

Howard: She hid my XBOX like I'm a child. And my mom got me that for my birthday so if you don't give it back, I'm telling.

Bernadette: If you like pushing buttons so much, try pushing them on the washing machine.

Howard: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
Leonard: From her micro-husband.