Howard: I had a falling out with Raj. He said I make fun of him too much and it's wrecked his confidence.
Stuart: Please, confidence is like red blood cells: it's nice if you got some, but you don't need 'em.

Stuart: Oh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge.

Howard: Hang on, I know a place where you could you stay and earn some money at the same time.
Stuart: Great!
Howard: I just have to warn you: it will involve humiliation, degradation and verbal abuse.
Stuart: So, what's the catch?

Bernadette: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: *startled* Hey.
Bernadette: Sorry, did I startle you?
Stuart: Yes, but at this point pretty much any customer does.

Sheldon: I mean, it's not that I think we're living in sin, but I do like the idea that our next act of intimacy will be a legal requirement.

Amy: Maybe we should just get married at City Hall and forget about everything else.
Sheldon: City Hall, hmm. I do like metal detectors and the sound of permits being denied.

Sheldon: Neither of them will be the actual cake. I'm just using it as a bargaining chip to get Amy to agree to the whole wedding party getting rings and us getting one ring to rule them all.
Howard: I forget, which mental hospital are you guys registered at?