Sheldon: That sounds like sarcasm, but I'm going to disregard it, because I have an agenda. Paintball. Specifically, the interdepartmental tournament this weekend. Now, in order to function better as a fighting unit, I thought we should establish a chain of command. Now, it goes without saying that I would outrank the three of you, but the question remains, by how much? Now, I don't see me as some four-star general, back at HQ riding a desk and playing golf with the Secretary of Defense. But I also can't be Sergeant Cooper, because that might lead you to think of me as just a regular Joe. This might take some thought. As you were.

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay. They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid.
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Leonard: Well, uh, okay, um, I dont want to get back together with Penny. We tried it, it was crazy, it didn't work, but I can't deal with the fact that she slept with my friend Raj. And then I find out that Raj's sister Priya, who I've been going out with for eight months, is moving back to India. So I'm just completely confused and alone.
Beverly Hofstadter: I understand.
Leonard: Got any advice?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. Buck up.
Leonard: Excuse me. You're a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you've got is buck up?
Beverly Hofstadter: Sorry. Buck up, sissy pants.

Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.

Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door. I wish I could tell thirteen-year-old me it does get better.