Sheldon: Oh, I have a solution. First go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
Raj: Ooh, how far into the future?
Sheldon: If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.
Leonard: Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328.

Penny: Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide, I slipped and skinned my knee.
Leonard: Are you okay?
Penny: Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family, who insisted I stay for lunch.
Leonard: That doesn't sound too bad.
Penny: It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: I'm packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell.
Sheldon: Well, is that really necessary? If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen.
Leonard: It's not about money.

Leonard: Look, do you want to buy me out or not?
Raj: I'll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Howard: Screw his balcony, I'll give you a hundred and twenty and we'll put it in my garage.
Leonard: I paid two hundred dollars for my share.
Raj: Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.

Sheldon: I'll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is.
Raj: Three hundred, and I'll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millenium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.
Leonard: No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers, I'm getting rid of all of it.
Howard: You can't do that. Look what you've created here, it's like nerdvana.

Raj: Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
Howard: Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj: Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard: Well you can't just call dibs.
Raj: I can and I did. Look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Sheldon: Dibs doesn't apply in a bidding war.

Leonard: He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
Sheldon: What's the number? I'll match it.
Raj: I'll match it, plus a thousand rupees.
Sheldon: What's the exchange rate?
Raj: None of your business.

Howard: Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel.
Leonard: Forget it guys. If I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.
Sheldon: Who cares, as long as you pick me.

Penny: He just doesn't know he wants one because he's never had one.
Howard: I suppose that's possible, but for the record, I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.

Leonard: Look, I am in the Halo battle of my life here. There's this kid in Copenhagen. He has no immune system so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24/7.
Howard: Can't you play him some other time?
Leonard: Not if you believe his doctors.

Leonard: Say what you will about the healthcare system in this country, but when they're afraid of lawsuits they sure test everything.
Howard: I really don't think the colonoscopy was necessary.

Penny: Uh, six thirty's great.
Leonard: Really? Great!
Penny: Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
Leonard: Us guys?
Penny: You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj. Who else's coming?
Leonard: They ... might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there. Uh, algebraically speaking there are too many unknowns. For example Sheldon had Quizznos for lunch, sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn't. It's no fault of Quizznos, they have a varied menu.

Penny: Are you sure you don't want to go to the emergency room?
Leonard: No, no, I'm okay, it's stopped bleeding.
Penny: I know, but you did throw up. Isn't that a sign of a concussion?
Leonard: Yes, but I get car sick too, so...
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Sorry about your car, by the way.
Penny: Oh, no, it's fine, you got most of it out the window.
Leonard: The poor guy on the bike.

Sheldon: I've been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioral aspects, and I think there's a problem with the current version of our lie.
Leonard: What are you talking about? It's fine. She bought it. It's over.
Sheldon: Sadly, it's not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realized that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Because Leo is a middle child.
Leonard: There is no Leo. How can you say that?
Sheldon: You didn't read the bio, did you? He's not just a middle child, he's the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.
Leonard: I've got a solution.
Sheldon: Great, what is it?
Leonard: Get out.

Penny: Okay, sweetie, I'll take care of you. What do you need?
Sheldon: Well, my mom used to give me sponge baths.
Penny: Okay, ground rules: no sponge baths and definitely no enemas.
Sheldon: Agreed.