Penny: You know, sometimes stuff just happens, and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade, because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.
Sheldon: I see. You're saying I'm facing Starfleet Academy's unwinnable command scenario, the Kobayashi Maru.
Penny: Exactly. Sometimes you can't win.
Sheldon: Captain Kirk won.
Penny: Kirk cheated.
Sheldon: Impressive that you know that. It's hard to believe I'm actually having this conversation with you.
Penny: Right there with you.

Sheldon: Let’s see. Harvey Wallbanger. Eh. Sex on the Beach. I hardly think so. Rob Roy, Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter. Ooh! I'll have a Rosewater Ricky.

Sheldon: Howard, the person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.
Howard: You?
Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.
Howard: And they were okay with that?
Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse.

Sheldon: Howard, you're feeling better about me today, aren't you?
Howard: Not really.
Sheldon: Yes, you are. I'm using neurolinguistic programming to modify your thought patterns.
Howard: Oh. Go away, Sheldon.
Sheldon: There's a nine-ninety-five e-book down the drain.

Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters.
Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James “Jimmy” Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

Sheldon: Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?
Agent Page: I'm afraid not. Is there anything else?
Sheldon: Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? He refuses to pay fines when he's overdue with books I lend him. He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one. If that's not irresponsible, I don't know what is.
Agent Page: The Mars Rover?
Sheldon: Did I say Mars Rover?
Agent Page: You did.
Sheldon: That was actually a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me.

Sheldon: I don't understand why you people are picking on my friend, Howard, when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. For instance, when I first met Leonard, he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets to a North Korean spy, and not one agent ever investigated that.
Agent Page: This is Leonard Hofstadter?
Sheldon: No, it's a different Leonard. He's Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye.

Sheldon: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page.
Agent Page: Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. I understand you want to recant your statement about Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Yes.
Agent Page: Was your statement untrue?
Sheldon: No.
Agent Page: Then I'm afraid you can't withdraw it.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. I don't recall you saying no backsies.

Leonard: Want to get that?
Sheldon: Not particularly.
Leonard: Could you get that?
Sheldon: I suppose I could if I were asked.
Leonard: Would you please get that?
Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?

Leonard: Why can't you sleep?
Sheldon: Who knows? I haven't watched any scary movies recently. I'm no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass of the quantum vacuum has little effect on the expansion of the universe. And it's been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull.

Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.
Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

Leonard: Don’t be ridiculous, Raj. You’re here legally.
Raj: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?

Leonard: So, when Howard said the FBI would be contacting me, I was expecting Mulder. Glad to see I got Scully.
Agent Page: Who?
Leonard: Mulder and Scully. X-Files. The truth is out there. Never mind.

Leonard: No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.
Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
Leonard: What does that have to do with me and women?
Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

Bernadette: Oh, I take pacts very seriously. One time at my lab, a petri dish of genetically modified super-virus went missing. That day we made a pinky swear never to admit we crossed Ebola with the common cold.
Howard: Why the hell would you cross Ebola with the common cold?
Bernadette: We never did. That would be a terrible, terrible thing.