Raj: You know there's something I've always wondered about Aquaman.
Leonard: Yeah?
Raj: Where does he poop?
Leonard: What?
Raj: What do the toilets look like in Atlantis? How would you flush it? And when you did flush it, where would the poop go?

Leonard: What do you mean it happened again?!

Leonard: I'd suggest using some lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on that as well.
Howard: Not funny, Leonard.
Raj: Really? A robot hand’s got a death grip on your junk, dude. That’s funny, ask anyone.

Howard's mom: Howard, I made cookies for you and your little friends.
Howard: That's great, mom. Thanks.
Howard's mom: I'll bring them up with some Hawaiian Punch.
Howard: *startled* Don't come up here!
Howard's mom: Why not? Are you ashamed of your mother?
Howard: Yes, but that's not the point. Get me out of here!
Leonard: Do you have any ideas, Raj?
Raj: Right now all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch.

Sheldon: I decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.
Penny: Oh, that's great. Have fun.
Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You know I don't drive.
Penny: Well, go ask Leonard.
Sheldon: I did; he said, and I quote: "Ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea."
Penny: Leonard said "cockamamie"?
Sheldon: Actually, I'm paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I'm uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with "cockamamie".

Penny: Well, my question is, and I'm pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date?
Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus 4th of July Hoe-down count as a date?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then, this is my first date.

Amy Farrah Fowler (text message): I don't care for perchloroethylene, and I don't like glycol ether.

Penny: Sheldon, have you ever told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Well, why don't you tell her?
Sheldon: All right. It was hell.

Raj: How about we get an electric saw and cut it off?
Howard: What? No saws. One circumcision was enough.

Sheldon: Impressive, but we must be cautious.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Today, it's a Chinese-food-retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and kills Sarah Connor.

Penny: That's amazing.
Sheldon: I wouldn't say amazing. At best it's a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.
Howard: Hey, Sheldon? Ahem.
Sheldon: Yes?
*Howard commands the robot arm to perform a hand gesture*
Sheldon: Peace?
Howard: No, not peace. Hang on.

Penny: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Given your community-college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.

Leonard: You slipped and fell into a robot hand?
Wolowitz: Yes
Raj: Penis first?
Wolowitz: Yes!

Althea: My, my, my. What do we have here?
Howard: I slipped and fell.
Althea: Yeah, we get that a lot.

Howard: Can you please just help me?
Althea: All right, all right. Hang on, stay calm. (Over the PA system) I need an orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
Howard: You think you could be a little more discreet?
Althea: I'm sorry. We don't have a code for robot hand grasping a man's penis.