Bernadette: Goodnight, real Penny. Goodnight, transvestite Penny.

Mrs. Wolowitz: What kind of breakfast do you think they're going to give you in Russia?
Howard: They invented blintzes. I'll be fine.
Mrs. Wolowitz: They invented the lightbulb in New Jersey. It doesn't mean they hand them out to you when you go.

Leonard: Good for you, Howard. I'm proud of you. And still, you're the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.
Sheldon: You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom.
Howard: Well, it's probably not for me.

Dr. Koothrappali: Well, if you're not coming out, why did you call us during the cricket semi-finals?
Raj: 'Cause I, I'm tired of trying to meet someone and, I think I'd like you to help me find uh, a wife.
Mrs. Koothrappali: And just to clarify, a female wife?

Sheldon: The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they're running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!

Leonard: You feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe Indian, Tex-Mex?
Sheldon: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?
Leonard: Okay, let's talk about that.
Sheldon: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature. But they do move more sluggishly when it's cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, bring a sweater, it's slow outside. I love my mind.
Leonard: We all do. Now, how about dinner?
Sheldon: Oh, I would assume we'd enjoy insects or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other's tails off and grill them, they'll just grow back.

Amy: How do I get him to treat me better?
Penny: All right. Let me give you a little girlfriend 101. Usually the first move out of the gate is you withhold sex, but that will work better after Sheldon hits puberty. So, I'd say give him the silent treatment.
Amy: No, he loves that.
Penny: Hmm.
Amy: Our record for sitting in a room together and not speaking to each other is six-and-a half hours. He said it was a magical evening.

Howard: Okay, just to set the record straight, I didn't hire the prostitute, she was a gift from him. Shame on you, Raj. That is not how we treat women in this country.
Bernadette: Don't you try and blame this on him.
Raj: Thank you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Zip it, pervert!

Sheldon: See, as you know, a few years ago I achieve one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They're Richie Rich rich.
Penny: Well, so how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.

Sheldon: And reverse the spin on the anti-proton, and gamma becomes alpha multiplied by a matrix of I comma zero. And there we have it, conclusive proof that I am absolutely useless after nine o'clock.

Leonard: We're always the good guys. In D&D, we're lawful good. In City of Heroes, we're the heroes. In Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat.
Sheldon: Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research.

Amy: I love his eidetic memory, it's so sexy. Sheldon, what are the ingredients in Pringles?
Sheldon: Dried potatoes, vegetable oil, corn flour, wheat starch, maltodextrin, salt, and my favorite ingredient of all, uniformity.
Amy: The uterus quivers, does it not?

Leonard: It will be like our World of Warcraft party a few years ago when the neighbors called the cops on us.
Howard: They called the cops because of the smell. They thought we were dead.
Raj: We were badass back in the day.
Leonard: All right, let's do it.
Howard: 48 hours of Star Wars gaming.
Raj: It's on like Alderaan.

Wil Wheaton: Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei's house.

Mary Cooper: Oh, I so should have taken you to Houston.