Bernadette: Why are you doing that? You're being mean to him.
Howard: He's mean to me all the time. You've heard him tease me about not having a doctorate.
Bernadette: If you don't want to get teased about that, get a doctorate. I have one, they're great.

Leonard: Well, I have some work to do, so-
Amy: I can't imagine that would disturb me. Carry on.
Leonard: Okay. Wouldn't you be more comfortable at home?
Amy: Not really, no.
Leonard: All righty then. Guess I'll just get started.
Amy: Leonard, please. I don't need the running commentary.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Frankly, after all your sleepovers with the little brown boy, a girl is a big relief!

Leonard: I just can't figure out what happened. I put my left leg in, I took my left leg out, I put my left leg in, and something just snapped.
Amy: The hokey pokey is a young man's game.

Sheldon: Let's play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me. All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer's type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.
Penny: Okay, Im not driving him.
Sheldon: No, Penny, dont give up, you can get this.

Amy: I had to go to my aunt's party all by myself, and everybody was like, "Where's this boyfriend you're always talking about? Is he real, or did you make him up like Armin the miniature horse breeder?"
Penny: Who's Armin the miniature horse breeder?
Amy: The pretend boyfriend I invented to get my family off my back. It unraveled quickly when I couldn't answer the question how'd you two meet?
Penny: I would have thought at a miniature horse show.
Amy: Oh, that's good.
Penny: Mm.
Amy: I panicked and said Woodstock. I just wanted to show Sheldon off to my family.

Raj: Here you go. I've got everything well need for the big game. Low fat turkey jerky, low-carb beer, 100-calorie snack packs.
Leonard: You pick up a Y chromosome while you were there? You might be short one.

Raj: I plan on leveling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.

Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard: I don't know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug, and changed the course of human events.

Sheldon: Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother's Day or Father's Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard's Day.
Leonard: I kind of like the sound of that.
Sheldon: Of course you do. It's about you, like everything else. [lights come back on] Oh, thank goodness. I don't think I had it in me to make another glass of water.
Leonard: So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard's Day?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Can I sit in your spot?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Can I control the thermostat?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Do I get a card?
Sheldon: Of course you get a card. It's Leonard's Day.

Penny: Where's Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, he was up late last night, so I gave him an early dinner and put him to bed.
Bernadette: That's so sweet.
Leonard: Yeah, but now he's gonna be up at dawn and want to play.

Raj: I'm thinking about adopting some quirky affectation, like a pipe or a monocle or a handlebar moustache.
Leonard: For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man?

Sheldon: Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with "ahoy"?

Leonard: Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don't see why we can't be friends. And I'm willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don't want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement.
Sheldon: What are you proposing?
Leonard: That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.
Sheldon: And how would I do that?
Leonard: You say thank you.
Sheldon: Every time?
Leonard: It's not crazy.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.
Leonard: Since when don’t you knock? It's like the only good thing about you.
Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We're in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.