Penny: Where's Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, he was up late last night, so I gave him an early dinner and put him to bed.
Bernadette: That's so sweet.
Leonard: Yeah, but now he's gonna be up at dawn and want to play.

Raj: I'm thinking about adopting some quirky affectation, like a pipe or a monocle or a handlebar moustache.
Leonard: For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man?

Sheldon: Counter-proposal. We reinstate the full roommate agreement with the following addendum, in the spirit of Mother's Day or Father's Day, once a year, we set aside day to celebrate all your contributions to my life, both actual and imagined by you. We could call it Leonard's Day.
Leonard: I kind of like the sound of that.
Sheldon: Of course you do. It's about you, like everything else. [lights come back on] Oh, thank goodness. I don't think I had it in me to make another glass of water.
Leonard: So, do I get breakfast in bed on Leonard's Day?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Can I sit in your spot?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Can I control the thermostat?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Do I get a card?
Sheldon: Of course you get a card. It's Leonard's Day.

Leonard: Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don't see why we can't be friends. And I'm willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don't want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement.
Sheldon: What are you proposing?
Leonard: That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.
Sheldon: And how would I do that?
Leonard: You say thank you.
Sheldon: Every time?
Leonard: It's not crazy.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.
Leonard: Since when don’t you knock? It's like the only good thing about you.
Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We're in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.

Leonard: All right, Sheldon, we're going to Wil's. This is your last chance.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you're going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.

Sheldon: I'm glad we're finally getting to do something together. Just the two of us.
Mary Cooper: Sure. One thing you really miss when you're on vacation is laundry.

Mary Cooper: How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you're in some sort of a long distance situation.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. It's Raj's sister. It's kinda tough. She's in India and also her parents aren't happy she's dating someone white.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that's a funny turn, isn't it? You never think about it going the other way.

Mrs Wolowitz: Howard, your Froot Loops are getting soggy!

Amy: (To sheldon) Hey, cuddles.
Leonard: Cuddles?
Sheldon: Yes, "cuddles". We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.

Penny: Anyway, you want to make out?
Leonard: I thought because our relationship was in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow?
Penny: Okay. Do you want to make out slow?
Leonard: I can go so slow. It'll be like there's a snail in your mouth.

Sheldon: Are you suggesting that you've come to your senses and wish to re-establish the mutual benefits that stem from full participation in the roommate agreement?
Leonard: Absolutely. If you admit that you're a 30-year-old man who's incapable of functioning on his own.
Raj: Ooh, Sock Mouth's got him on the ropes.
Sheldon: I will admit nothing of the sort. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my dentist and see if I can also get my hair shampooed and my nails clipped.

Sheldon: Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.
Leonard: What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor?
Sheldon: Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it's too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It's not for you.
Leonard: It's just a blackout, I'm sure the power will be back on soon.
Sheldon: And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.

Amy: How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?
Everybody: Oh!
Sheldon: As a child, I loved Wesley Crusher, Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek. So, I drove for hours by bus to a Star Trek convention at which Wil Wheaton was scheduled to appear, so that I could get my Wesley Crusher action figure signed. But he never showed, because apparently, it was cooler for him to be the lower-left corner on Hollywood Squares.
Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control at the Verbatim Corporation in 1989, congratulations, you just made the list.

Wil: Hey, I'm having a party at my house on Friday, and I was hoping you would stop by.
Stuart: Will there be girls there?
Wil: Yeah, of course.
Stuart: 'cause there wasn't last time.
Wil: There will be girls.