Mary Cooper: Oh, this one's sweet. You know, for your rosary rattlers.
Leonard: Mrs Cooper, we say Catholics, not rosary rattlers.
Mary Cooper: My goodness. It's a wonder you people in California can talk at all.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Over my dead body my son goes into outer space.

Sheldon: Now, back to our game.
Raj: You were in the middle of an erection.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. It's right here in my hand.

Bernadette: I've got to go. I've got to get up early. My company's testing a new steroid that supposedly doesn't shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring.

Sheldon: Does this mean you're not going to sing Soft Kitty?
Mary: No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Leonard: [opens door] Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven?
Sheldon: Get out!
Mary: Well, that was rude.
Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mary: [sings] Happy kitty, sleepy kitty…
Sheldon: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mary: [to God] This is what I'm talking about. [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

Leonard: You said always. You'll always have feelings for me.
Penny: So?
Leonard: So, that sounds more like something you'd say if you didn't want a relationship with someone. This isn't working out, but I'll always have feelings for you. I'm sorry I slept with your best friend, but I'll always have feelings for you. Here's the thing, Lisa, I'm into dudes now, but I'll always have feelings for you.

Leonard: On the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office.
Barry Kripke: Oh, you are going down, Cooper.
Sheldon: I don't think so, Kripke. I've bounced many a rubber ball in my day.
Leonard: All right, that's enough trash talk. One, two, three.

Barry Kripke: Ignore him, President Siebert. I'm sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectly healthy prostate.
Sheldon: Oh, he's just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.

Raj: It was a nice retirement party.
Howard: I guess. Still, it's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
Leonard: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
Howard: I wonder how long Sheldon's got.
Sheldon: These shrimp are all the same size. There's no the logical order to eat them in. (throws shrimp in the trash)
Leonard: Cant be very long.

Sheldon: Yes, hello. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I'm at 2311 North Robles Avenue. Yeah, I'd like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I'm sorry, this is Animal Control. I don't understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911. Sir, I have no doubt that there are things that you're frightened of. Being stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or your wife stepping out on you because you're stuck in a dead-end public service job? Or spiders? Don't you think I tried making cat noises?

Howard: I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon: Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn't.
Leonard: It's not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon: Stop! I'm going to wet myself!

Leonard: You see, I used to be a jackass, but I stopped myself. I became a good guy. See, that's kind of my superpower. I'm like Captain Good Guy!
(Alice pushes him out, then slams door)
Leonard: It's okay. Did the right thing. *tightens his jacket* You idiot!

Sheldon: (Yelling at a mockingbird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A! You pick one or I'm chopping down that tree!

Penny: Well, I'm going to take myself out to a movie tonight. You want to go?
Leonard: Really? Do we do that?
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard: You know, we haven't spent time alone together since we broke up.
Penny: Oh, it's not a date, Leonard. It's just a man and a woman hanging out, and not having sex at the end of the night.
Leonard: Sounds like most of my dates.

Leonard: Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California.
Sheldon: Yeah, really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?