Raj: You're just jealous because it turns out I'm Penny's number two choice after Leonard.
Howard: Hey, if I wasn't engaged to Bernadette, that totally could have been me.
Leonard: Please. Sheldon would have been before you, and he might not even have genitals.

Howard: You're not in love with Penny.
Raj: Yes, I am. The god Kamadeva has shot us with his flowery arrows of love.
Howard: Who?
Raj: He's the Hindu version of Cupid, but way better, because he rides a giant parrot.

Leonard: Raj, come on. You fall in love with any girl who smiles at you. A month ago, you were writing poems about his fiancee.
Howard: I'm sorry. What?
Raj: Rubbish. He's talking rubbish.
Leonard: Oh, Bernadette, please play my clarinet.
Raj: That could have been about anyone. Besides, you have nothing to worry about, because now I'm the dusky half of Koothrapenny.

Penny: Oh, my God, I screwed up everything. I hurt Leonard, I hurt Raj, I mean, what is wrong with me? I feel like two totally different people, Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.

Penny: You know, I've done this before. In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen at recess, but by the time my class got out there, he was already engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb. So what did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars, let all the boys see my underpants.

Penny: You know what? Let's get out of here.
Amy: Where are we going?
Penny: Somewhere where no one's seen me naked. We may have to drive awhile.

Leonard: Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?
Sheldon: Who said that? Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can't see you.

Beverly Hofstadter: If you need any more help from me, my books are available on Amazon. Logging off.

Penny: You know, I don't even know what the point of me staying in L.A. is. I haven't gotten a single acting job since I moved out here. The closest I came was last month, I got a callback for a hemorrhoid commercial.
Amy: Oh, I could so see you being the face of hemorrhoids.
Penny: I know, right?

Penny: Maybe I should just move back to Nebraska.
Amy: No, I can't let you do that.
Penny: Why not?
Amy: For the first time ever, I have a thriving social life. And no pressure, but it kind of lives and dies with you.

Raj: Well, uh, as your friend, you might like to know that, um, we didn't have sex in the conventional sense.
Penny: Oh, God. Did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?

Raj: After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you, you asked if I had protection.
Penny: Oh, you did, didn't you?
Raj: Of course. I'm always packing. Anyway, um, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and, that was all she wrote.
Penny: So, we didn't actually
Raj: I did. It was beautiful.

Raj: Oh, good. Um, can I tell people that our love burned too bright and too quickly? Kind of a Candle in the Wind deal?
Penny: Sure.
Raj: Cool. Can I say it fell apart because you were all, I want to have your babies, and I was like, Im too rock and roll to be tied down?
Penny: No.
Raj: Can I say I ruined you for white men?
Penny: Also no.
Raj: Okay, just the candle thing.
Penny: Yeah.

Sheldon: Okay, here we go. This is us here. To the south is Professor Loomis and the Geology Department. According to their Twitter feed, they're out of sunblock, which means they'll have to hug the tree line or risk melanoma. That's our edge. All we have to do is move quickly over this ridge, the rock-worshipping pasty-faced bastards won't know what hit them. All right, let's move out.

Leonard: Hang on, Sheldon. How could you not tell me your sister was moving back to India?
Howard: Maybe he was too busy writing clumsy penis metaphors about my fiancee.
Raj: Screw you. That was a beautifully written penis metaphor.