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Quote from Sheldon in the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Sheldon: Now, sit down. I call your attention to the events of November 16. Do you remember that date?
Penny: (reading the transcript Sheldon prepared) Darn tootin', I do, if the court will excuse my homespun, corn-fed Nebraskan turn of phrase.
Sheldon: Excellent. Go on.
Penny: The reason that date is, like, so totally fixed in my memory is that I had the privilege to be witness to one of the most heroic acts I've ever seen in, like, ever.
Sheldon: And who performed that heroic act?
Penny: Why, you did, sir. You. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and may I add, it is a privilege to know you.
Sheldon: There's no need for compliments, this court is only interested in the facts.
Penny: But it is a fact that it's a privilege to know you. Totally. A teardrop rolls down my cheek?
Sheldon: Only a suggestion. A catch in your throat would work just as well.
Penny: (feigning sadness) But it is a fact that it's a privilege to know you. Totally.
Sheldon: Maybe you should put on your Juicy pants again.

Quote from Sheldon in the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Sheldon: Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I'm unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.

Quote from the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Judge: Impressive.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Judge: Guilty. Pay the cashier.
Sheldon: I object. You're completely ignoring the law.
Judge: No, I'm following the law. I'm ignoring you.

Quote from Sheldon in the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Sheldon: I am a scientist. I never apologize for the truth.

Quote from Penny in the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Penny: We're home.
Leonard: Oh, hey, buddy. How'd it go?
Sheldon: You know very well how it went.
Leonard: Yeah, but we all want to hear it from you.
Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533.
Penny: I'm going to write you a check for that. As long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it, like the others.

Quote from Howard in the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Sheldon: I also now have three points on a driver's license I do not yet possess, and I was forced to issue an undeserved apology, simply because I refuse to urinate in a stainless steel bowl in front of criminals.
Howard: Plus, you didn't get to meet Stan Lee.

Quote from Leonard in the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Leonard: Okay, that's enough, Howard. The poor guy's had a tough time. He had to spend the entire afternoon in jail wearing that suit.
Howard: You're right, so it would be cruel to mention that after he finished signing autographs, Stan Lee took Stuart and us out for gelato.
Sheldon: You had gelato with Stan Lee?
Howard: He said we could call him Stan.
Leonard: Except for Raj.

Quote from Sheldon in the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Sheldon: Well, I hope you're satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.
Penny: Okay, I realize that-
Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay, maybe youll have another chance to have-
Sheldon: No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!

Quote from Stuart in the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Penny: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, hey, Penny. Wow. Hi.
Penny: What's going on?
Stuart: Nothing. I'm just getting ready to close up and head out.
Penny: Ah. Cool. Got any fun plans?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Big night tonight. Gonna share a can of tuna with the cat.
Penny: Oh, nice.
Stuart: Not even my cat. I just feed it. Some nights it doesn't even show up.

Quote from Penny in the episode The Excelsior Acquisition

Sheldon: This is Stan Lee's front door. We were on Stan Lee's curb, then we were on Stan Lee's walk, and now we're at Stan Lee's front door.
Penny: Yup.
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, you just rang Stan Lee's doorbell. At Stan Lee's house. We're about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna have cookies, or he's just gonna say hi, or really what's gonna happen, so just let me talk...

Quote from Howard in the episode The Large Hadron Collision

Howard: I understand your point, but given a choice Jews always go with Chinese food.

Quote from Penny in the episode The Large Hadron Collision

Leonard: This tray contains clues as to what you and I are going to be doing on Valentine's Day.
Penny: Oh, wow. Okay. Let's see. We've got milk chocolate, Swiss cheese, fondue.
My lactose-intolerant boyfriend is going to eat all this, then I'm going to climb on his back and rocket to the moon?

Quote from Leonard in the episode The Large Hadron Collision

Leonard: We're going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider. And ski. We'll also go skiing.
Penny: We're going skiing in Switzerland?
Leonard: Well, you'll ski, I'll fall. But yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine's Day.

Quote from Sheldon in the episode The Large Hadron Collision

Penny: You actually put that in an agreement?
Leonard: Yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, or if one of us is bitten by a zombie.
Sheldon: He can't kill me, even if I turn.

Quote from Howard in the episode The Large Hadron Collision

Howard: That's not true. My happiness is not dependent on my best friend being miserable and alone.
Raj: Thank you.
Howard: Although, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little bit of a perk.

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